Thursday, March 24, 2011

so tired

I don't know how the D-parents do it...I can barely take care of myself! I can't imagine taking care of one little person, let alone 2 or 3 or 4.

That being said, I'm exhausted. I had a nightmare WITHIN a nightmare last night. It had to do with having a low blood sugar and it was pretty horrible. I woke up, heart pounding, and with fumbling hands decided to check my BG. This was at 12:35AM. My meter read 89. It had dropped from the low 200s and I decided to eat one glucose tablet (just in case). I texted my boyfriend because I knew he was still up and I tend to turn into a big baby when I have a nightmare. Bad dreams are scary enough, but when they are about something that is very REAL and possible, it's even more scary. I don't think I slept well after that, but I woke up to a 135...I hate when this happens! They say not to go to bed with a "low", so then you treat it and wake up with a less than ideal number--annoying.

The rest of the day was bla. I think my overall higher blood sugars are affecting me. I know I was diagnosed with vasovagal (low blood pressure), but I also think that my higher readings are playing a part in making me feel dizzy. I ended up leaving work early because I felt super dizzy. Walking to my car seemed like so much work, and I only made it about 10 blocks before I had to pull over and call my parents. To top it off, my phone had died so I had to walk into the nearest building and ask the person working there if I could use their phone. Then I had to wait in the parking lot for almost an hour (some miscommunication there btwn parents...no big deal, but it felt awful waiting there feeling like absolute crap!). Not only do I feel awful at this point...I just want to close my eyes and sort of disappear...but the fact that I can't take care of myself is probably what feels the worst at this point. If I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of anyone else? The fact that this is happening more and more lately makes me feel so down, and when I'm already down, I can't help but kick myself even more. It's hard to be positive and pull yourself out out of those negative thoughts and feelings.

I made it home (thanks to my Dad), but I am still feeling terrible. I ended up going to Fred Meyer for some (dairy-free) ice cream, then wishing I hadn't tried to drive anywhere. I got home and collapsed on my couch with the ice cream and burst out crying. At that point I didn't even want the ice cream....I had just gotten it so I could remain in my self-pity. But knowing that I have to figure out carbs and insulin for my ice cream made me even more sad and upset. I decided to take a shower because sometimes the shower is the best place to be when you are crying and feeling sorry for yourself.

I just feel like I'm drowning over here. I haven't felt this anxiety in a long time. I haven't felt suffocated with all these depressing thoughts in a long time. I miss my life from before, the life of not having to worry about every little thing that could play a part in/affect my diabetes. I miss being able to eat what I wanted without figuring out carbs, fat, protein, etc. I miss working out without wondering what my BG is and what I need to do to keep it in check before, during and after a workout. I miss the freedom of it all. I miss everything being so easy. OK, it may not have always seemed easy before, but it was so much easier than it is now. I feel like I've had to go through so many hard things (not just diabetes), and I'm sick of it. I don't get it. It's not fair. Bla bla bla, you know the drill. I'm just so SICK and TIRED of all of it. I don't want it! I don't want to deal with it anymore, but I have to...I don't really have much of a choice, do I?

10 comments:

  1. I am so sorry Valerie!! Reading this breaks my heart...:o( I have been feeling that way lately too, but about my own daughter...I can't imagine having to be the actual diabetic. I hope the rest of your day started to look up...and if not, I hope you had a good cry in the shower! I do the same thing sometimes when I feel like I just can't deal with anything diabetes related anymore. Tomorrow is a new day and I hope it is 100% better for you! HUGS!!!!

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  2. oh my gosh im so sad to read this. i had some tears and read it out loud to my husband. i just want to give you a big hug. i understand in a way since i manage the diabetes here, but i dont FEEL diabetes on my physical person. dealing with the way it FEELS to have t1d and deal with it and the mental aspects must be exhausting and gruelling. let me encourage you by saying you are doing amazingly expressing yourself and connecting with the DOC to get and give some support. you have wonderful folks there for you also and that is a blessing. D isnt easy AT ALL and you are coping! you really are stronger than you give yourself credit for. have a good cry, dust it off so you dont get overwhelmed. take it one day at a time! xx.

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  3. The day-in and out...the blood sugar check-to-blood sugar check...the carb counts-to-carb counts...the site changes-to-site changes ... the never-ending-ness of it all is overwhelming at times...especially when you are physically not feeling well. I can see how you are feeling like you are "drowning".

    I hope you feel better today. One foot in front of the other friend.

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  4. I hope today is a better day! There is a group of D-families that are meeting at CHAP (children's healing art project) in the Perl district on Sat from 4-6. You should come. It might help you feel not so alone. ((hugs))

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  5. Thanks everyone! The comments help, as does sleep! I'm trying to focus on today being a positive one. :) I would love to come to something like that, but I actually have a baby shower to go to this Sat at 4. Maybe next time!

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  6. I'm so sorry, Valerie! This condition absolutely SUCKS! I was feeling overwhelmed the other day taking care of my 4 year old with T1. I was crying and wondering how was she gonna be able to do it all for herself one day, when she felt like giving up. :( I just try to take it one minute at a time sometimes.

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  7. Hoping today is a much better day for you!
    Are you part of the T1 supper club in Portland? Heard it is a great group, something to check out if you aren't already involved.
    To more good days than bad...((hugs))

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  8. I, too, hope you're feeling better today!

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  9. I completely understand. My hubby was diagnosed at 6MONTHS old so he doesn't know any different. I am the one who feels exactly like you. Overwhelmed! What age were u diagnosed? I am guessing later in life? Hang in there. The DOC has helped me soooo much in dealing with the stress and anxiety :)

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  10. Hey, Sandy. I was diagnosed shortly after I turned 21, so about 5 years ago. Thanks for your comment!

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