That being said, I'm exhausted. I had a nightmare WITHIN a nightmare last night. It had to do with having a low blood sugar and it was pretty horrible. I woke up, heart pounding, and with fumbling hands decided to check my BG. This was at 12:35AM. My meter read 89. It had dropped from the low 200s and I decided to eat one glucose tablet (just in case). I texted my boyfriend because I knew he was still up and I tend to turn into a big baby when I have a nightmare. Bad dreams are scary enough, but when they are about something that is very REAL and possible, it's even more scary. I don't think I slept well after that, but I woke up to a 135...I hate when this happens! They say not to go to bed with a "low", so then you treat it and wake up with a less than ideal number--annoying.
The rest of the day was bla. I think my overall higher blood sugars are affecting me. I know I was diagnosed with vasovagal (low blood pressure), but I also think that my higher readings are playing a part in making me feel dizzy. I ended up leaving work early because I felt super dizzy. Walking to my car seemed like so much work, and I only made it about 10 blocks before I had to pull over and call my parents. To top it off, my phone had died so I had to walk into the nearest building and ask the person working there if I could use their phone. Then I had to wait in the parking lot for almost an hour (some miscommunication there btwn parents...no big deal, but it felt awful waiting there feeling like absolute crap!). Not only do I feel awful at this point...I just want to close my eyes and sort of disappear...but the fact that I can't take care of myself is probably what feels the worst at this point. If I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of anyone else? The fact that this is happening more and more lately makes me feel so down, and when I'm already down, I can't help but kick myself even more. It's hard to be positive and pull yourself out out of those negative thoughts and feelings.
I made it home (thanks to my Dad), but I am still feeling terrible. I ended up going to Fred Meyer for some (dairy-free) ice cream, then wishing I hadn't tried to drive anywhere. I got home and collapsed on my couch with the ice cream and burst out crying. At that point I didn't even want the ice cream....I had just gotten it so I could remain in my self-pity. But knowing that I have to figure out carbs and insulin for my ice cream made me even more sad and upset. I decided to take a shower because sometimes the shower is the best place to be when you are crying and feeling sorry for yourself.
I just feel like I'm drowning over here. I haven't felt this anxiety in a long time. I haven't felt suffocated with all these depressing thoughts in a long time. I miss my life from before, the life of not having to worry about every little thing that could play a part in/affect my diabetes. I miss being able to eat what I wanted without figuring out carbs, fat, protein, etc. I miss working out without wondering what my BG is and what I need to do to keep it in check before, during and after a workout. I miss the freedom of it all. I miss everything being so easy. OK, it may not have always seemed easy before, but it was so much easier than it is now. I feel like I've had to go through so many hard things (not just diabetes), and I'm sick of it. I don't get it. It's not fair. Bla bla bla, you know the drill. I'm just so SICK and TIRED of all of it. I don't want it! I don't want to deal with it anymore, but I have to...I don't really have much of a choice, do I?