In that moment, I feel like death. Everything around me gets kind of fuzzy; the world is continuing to do its thing, but I am not a part of it. I can't think clearly. All I can think about is getting to some sugar. I stumble. I chug my juice. I gobble my tablets like I'm starving and that's the only thing around to eat. I sit and my mind goes into a foggy haze because I don't have the energy to stand or hold my head up or keep my eyes open. I don't have the energy to think or talk to people or be a part of the world that surrounds me. I'm in my own world and it sucks.
Because my #s have been higher this last year, my body has gotten used to the highs. It's comfortable there. It's used to waking up with a normal number, and it's used to fluctuating during the day. I don't want to believe it, but feel like this fluctuating is slowly killing me. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but it's definitely not a GOOD thing. My body is sensitive. I can feel when I'm slooooowly dropping, and I can feel when I start to rise. It's a constant reminder that every little thing I'm doing is somehow affecting my body--good or bad. And sometimes I really don't care because I'm tired. I don't have the mental energy to fight off diabetes and its constant attacks. I don't have the stamina to keep going every little minute of every day. But I worry that I'm doing damage. I worry about my future and my family's future. I'm 26 and not focused on getting married/having kids at this time, but I know I want it in the future, and I'm worried for when that time comes. I'm worried that I will be 90 and unable to take care of myself. I don't worry about this stuff every day, but it's the stuff that sort of subconsciously skips around my mind and presents itself when I am already down. It's easy to focus on the negative when you feel mentally and physically beaten.
Back to the lows. My lows now-a-days are like 60s and 70s. I even feel low at 90 sometimes when I've come down from a high #. That's one of the MOST irritating things. It's like, OK, I am back to normal now, I did my job to stabilize my blood sugar, can you back off now, diabetes? No, not even then! It starts tweaking out over the change. I know, I know, it's probably just a temporary thing. I keep telling myself that if I keep getting stable numbers and bring myself back into range, my body will get used to the "lows" that are really just "normal" #s. But feeling low is AWFUL, and it's hard to rationalize. It's hard to tell my mind to calm down because all I want to do is fix the feeling. I pay for it later when it goes high again, but somehow feeling instantly better is worth the high. Ha. I am lying to myself though...it's NOT worth it. The high feeling is horrible and it lasts longer than the low. It's a vicious cycle and I'm having a hard time getting out of it. I don't know how to tell myself, my mind, my body, that everything will be OK. These "lows" are "normal" and you will adjust. You don't have to be high, you don't have to feel crappy, you don't have to worry so much. You just need time to adjust. You need to be patient. You need to have more faith. You need to tell yourself that your body is strong and capable. Just because it's failed you multiple times does not mean it will fail you this time.