Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Apparently, I have a lot to say

Now that I've started this blog of ranting and raving, I can't seem to stop. But I don't care if that seems like too much. This is for me, not you. I need a place where I can get it all out and not be judged.

I finally decided to test out my Wii Fit Plus. I bought it almost a month ago and it's been sitting in its box, in my closet. So I dragged it out today, set it up, and got my workout on. I should mention that I used to hit the gym almost every day. As life (aka: work) got more stressful and I got dizzier (aka: blood pressure problem), I gave more and more excuses as to why I wasn't going to the gym. When I do make it to the gym nowadays, I don't have the energy or stamina to workout for very long. I also go through a lot more test strips because my BS (aka: blood sugar) falls so quickly, and I get paranoid I will pass out and no one will save me in time.

So I set up my Wii Fit Plus, half expecting it to tell me that my Mii character was obese. Thankfully, it wasn't. I tested out a lot of different exercises and ended up working out for about 45 minutes and burning 200 calories. I had to sit down twice due to dizzy feelings, but I kept going and was actually pretty worn out by the time 45 minutes had gone by. My blood sugar did drop (in a steady manner), so at least I know that I'm getting a somewhat decent workout. Plus, it's better than crashing on the couch, watching episodes of Psych and not moving until bedtime.

The good news: I worked out. The bad news: I forgot I had only 0.3 unites of insulin. SO when I bolused (aka: the insulin you give yourself before a meal) for dinner, the insulin I thought was going into my system was actually non-existent. I didn't think about this until maybe an hour later when it randomly hit me that my BS was going to skyrocket because I was supposed to change my pump and completely forgot.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Val, you've done this several times now. How could you let it happen again?

Well, it's not easy, okay? So, bite me. Just like everyone else, I have a million things going on in my mind. I have a LIFE, or at least try to. So, just like everyone else, I get distracted, put things off, and forget what I'm supposed to do. Here comes the tricky part. I have to remember how much insulin was in my system before, how much I actually gave myself (did I give myself all of the 0.3 left or was it already gone by the time I ate?) and how much of it is the non-existent insulin that never actually went through. While my pump may be a smart robot, it doesn't know this information. It does what I tell it to do.

So at this point, I can only guess and try not to make the same mistake next time.

5 years later

I wish I had started this blog when I was first diagnosed five years ago. Then, I could go back to a time where this didn't seem so difficult. A time when I took my diagnosis on with gusto and did everything I could to be "healthy."

I saw a therapist a couple weeks ago, and she recommended I write a letter to my diabetes. She asked me if I had ever been angry about the whole thing, and I said in the beginning, no, but lately, yes. Maybe I pushed my feelings down 5 years ago, or maybe back then I just didn't want it to define me, so I did what I had to do to get my numbers in control.

Nowadays, I'm not doing so well. Am I in denial? Do I just not care as much? I feel apathetic to it lately, which scares me because it means I am putting my health at risk on purpose and for some reason, don't think it's a big deal. But it is a big deal, and deep down I know that. 5 years ago, I cried over the thought of not having milkshakes anymore. Now, I eat chocolate and cry over the fact that I am knowingly hurting my health.

Maybe I'm tired of testing my blood sugar. Maybe I'm tired of counting carbs and figuring out how much insulin I need. Maybe I'm tired of doing the work my pancreas should be doing. Maybe I'm just tired of having to be so in control all the time. People used to ask me if it was hard having diabetes, and I always told them it wasn't that big of a deal. That was when my numbers were in control and I took better care of myself. Now I am more willing to admit that it IS hard and it DOES suck. Sometimes I feel guilty because I think I should have a better attitude. But, to be fair, I never had a bad attitude about it for the first few years, so maybe now it's my time to be angry at it. Although really, I am angry at myself for losing the control I had.

I don't WANT to have to watch what I eat. I don't want to have to prepare for when I exercise. I don't want to quit my workout because my blood sugar is dropping. It's not fair that my pancreas is useless, and it's not fair that I feel sick so often. I want to be healthy, I want to have energy, I want to feel like I have a young body and a clear head.

It seems so easy, but it's not easy to be in charge of your health 24/7. It is EXHAUSTING. Emotionally and physically. It's overwhelming. It's scary. It's kept me up at night. It's caused nightmares. It's made me feel guilty and envious and terrible. It makes me worry. It makes me cry. And I'm really sick of IT bringing me down. I'm sick of thinking of it as an enemy. I'm sick of being sick.

There, all the negative feelings are out (sort of).