Where did that last year go?

It's been over a year since I've blogged. What? Is that true? I guess so! I didn't mean to take such a long hiatus, but I did. I hope no one thought I was dead...

A lot has happened since my last post. I'll skip through last winter and just go straight to this year.

I broke up with my boyfriend in April. Not an easy decision, but the right decision.

I quit my job in April and started a new job in May. Technically, I'd been working for my "new" company since March, but I was still working full-time at my old job. I was essentially working 60 hours a week for a little over a month.

I went back to shots in May. I decided I wanted to be free of the pump during summer. However, it's fall now and I haven't gone back to the pump. I will eventually, but it's been somewhat of a relief to not have it on me 24/7. I feel like I worry less--or have one less thing to fiddle with constantly.

My A1C is at 6.9%. It's dropped a little, but my ideal would be 6.5 It's been LESS THAN 6.5 before, so I know it's possible. I've been "better," but still a little lazy with getting my a1c down.

I wasn't looking for a new relationship, but then I met someone awesome. And Canadian. "They" say things happen when you're not looking for them. I'm not sure I actually believe that, but in this case, it's true. I didn't want a relationship. Especially not a long-distance relationship. But then I ended up with one. It was just too good to pass up.

I work all the time. Or that's how it feels. I tend to work over 40 hours a week. I love my company and the people I work with, so I don't mind the long hours or sometimes late nights.

I still wrestle with thoughts, like "I want to eat this whole bag of chips." "Or have 2 pieces of cake." I hate to think of being "different" or saying my life is different than your "normal" life. But it is. And I still battle with that at times--the "before diabetes" me and the "after diabetes" me. I'm not sure that will ever truly go away.

I turned 28. I don't feel 28. And apparently I don't look 28. No one believes me when I say how old I am, so I guess this is the age where I can safely start lying about my age. So, hello, I'm Val, and I'm 22 years old.

I'll admit it...I'm scared

Lately, within the last year or so, I've been scared of insulin. I know, it sounds weird. Insulin is what keeps me alive every day. Without insulin, I would be in poor shape and probably, not alive. I am so grateful for insulin, and somehow, I'm still scared of it.

If I knew how much insulin had been pumping through my body before I was in control of it, I would probably feel reassured.

The fact that I have the power of my pancreas overwhelms and scares me. Not all the time, but lately, a lot of the time. The thought of over-bolusing terrifies me. So much to the point where I have actually under-bolused a lot of times. Too many times to count.

I've had countless conversations with myself...I know I need more insulin for this extra snacking I am doing...I know that has more carbs than what I am inputting...but maybe it'll be okay. And then it's not okay. And then I kick myself, because I knew I should have given myself more insulin.

I don't like seeing so much insulin in my system. Seeing anything over 4 units scares me. It gives me a feeling of dread and worry...and I feel so much better when I see that number dropping...like I have more control over what it does as it drops. The more insulin in my system, the less I feel in control. Like somehow, my insulin will rage out of control and make me drop low, and it'll be hard to combat it.

I also have a hard time with waiting for my blood sugar to be the number I want it to be--whether it's lower or higher. I know there's a delay...I know certain foods break down faster than others. I know that I should wait and not react so quickly. I see my my number drop fast and I think, I should eat a glucose tablet to ward off a low, when in reality, I just need to leave it alone. When I'm waiting for it to rise, I feel compelled to do finger pricks every 5 minutes, just to make sure it's coming back up. I lierally have to talk myself into not checking by saying things like, Val, I know you feel like shit right now, but it's going to be better in 10 minutes...just give it time.

I am not very patient and apparently, not very rational. I know I'm prone to anxiety, and so I wonder if that plays a part in how I handle my diabetes. I've gotten better at not constantly checking my number, but I am not better at not being scared.

Oh, hello!

It's been a while! No real reason for my blog vacation...I just sort of stopped for a while, but I have been reading YOUR wonderful blogs here and there.

I saw my endo today and my a1c is down 0.2% from 7.4 to 7.2. Not stellar, but I will still celebrate any drop--big or small! A couple years ago or less, I was closer to 6%. I try not to beat myself up too much for letting it climb back up to 8(ish)% and just focus on the fact I'm bringing it back down, slowly but surely. My endo asked me to test my ratios for breakfast, lunch and dinner, which means eating a known amount of carbs for each meal. I think I'd probably get better results with even sticking to the same meal(s) for a couple days. I don't know why I find it so hard sometimes to do these tests to make sure my ratios are right!

I also discussed with my endo how sensitive my blood sugar is to exercise--even just a 15 minute walk makes it drop! I'm dog-sitting right now and Jake, the dog, needs to be walked 2 times a day, which means I've getting at least a 20 minute walk in every day. That doesn't sound like much, but for me it is! It also feels weird to type that since I used to be an exercise fiend. Small steps, I guess.

the ups & downs

The one thing we all strive for is stable levels. Most people, I think, like some kind of stability in their lives. When things are up and down and every which way, we tend to feel less in control. We tend to feel less stable.

On that note, my D has not been very stable this last week.

Apparently, I missed my endo appt. Apparently it was scheduled for July 29th. I'm not going to blame it on this, but I always get a call from my endo's office. I have never been late to or missed an appt with them. You think that if they had the time to call me later that day, after the appt., they had time to call me once they saw I was running late. I know they are not responsible for me, but still.

My conversation with the receptionist was very annoying. I explained to her that it didn't show up on my calendar and I didn't receive a call from them. She told me they have it on record that they called me and I confirmed. Um, no. I think I would remember speaking with you! She then (somewhat snootily/snottily?) said, "well, those calls are just a COURTESY, anyway." I'm sorry, but isn't it part of your job to make those calls? Don't you get paid to do that since you are doing it during your work hours? I know, I know, I probably sound like a bitch, but their office kind of annoys me in general.

I re-scheduled my appointment. I don't know if they are going to charge me for missing it.

Last week, I had a weird night of lows. I was high at bedtime and corrected...and then ran low all night. I swear I woke up every hour and ignored the vibrating and beeping of my sensor half the time. Even with a glucose tab here and there, I kept waking up low.

And then today...my meter failed me. I did a bit of SWAGing for a bagel sandwich, and before lunch, I was 118...but still 1 unit of insulin on board, so I decided to eat a little lunch before bolusing. My sensor showed me as climbing, so going off my sensor, I kept bolusing. Is that what a rage bolus is, btw? So about 3 hours later, I feel sort of off. Meter displays a 110 and 1.5 units of insulin on board. I panic. Trusting my meter and wanting to avoid a low, I chug back some mocha mix drink and glucose tabs. Then I start to worry that I overcorrected...so I check back in 15 min and I'm in the 230s. Hmmm, that doesn't seem right. I re-test because this situation has happened before. I'm low or trying to ward off a low, I test and show a high #, so I re-test and am actually still low...my meter is just off for whatever reason.

So I re-test and same...in the mid 200s and my sensor shows me shooting up. Uh-oh. Shit. Shit. Shit. Annoyed, I now bolus like crazy to get it down. Half an hour later and I'm at 300 something. My meter was WRONG...I didn't need all that extra sugar. I hate when technology fails me.

And I remain high all night because my sensor showed me dropping and stabilizing, so I didn't bolus as much when I finally ate dinner. But, that was a mistake because then IT decided to be off. This is why I don't usually bolus based off my sensor, but I thought I was feeling better and not still in the 300s. It's not much better now though...2 hours ago I was 267 and after a correction, I'm at 217 now.

See? No stability! And along with the up blood sugar comes the down emotions. I hate being high for hours, laying weak on the couch and feeling like destruction is being done to my body.

SO mad... diabetes alert dog update

I'm SO mad, I can barely type...let me start at the beginning.

Two months ago, I decided to apply for a diabetes alert dog. There was an article in the Oregonian that prompted me, so I signed up...plus, I love dogs and don't have one of my own. The dog in my picture is my brother's dog, and while I do live with a dog (my roommate's dog), it's not my own.

I'm not sure if I should mention the company's name.

I know the dogs are in high demand, but they were training dogs for limited locations, and Oregon was one of them. Plus the dogs only cost $150. They said that it can take up to a year and they require you to go through part of the training with the dog they select for you, but that doesn't guarantee you a dog. Plus, they don't even reply when you apply for one...because they're in demand, you might not even get a response for several months. I think that when you apply for something like a dog, you SHOULD at least get a response that says we received your application, just so you know it went through.

So TODAY, I decided to randomly check the site. And. I notice. It says they are currently only placing dogs in northern and central CA. When I applied, it did not say this. Confused, I emailed them to see what was going on.

I got this response:

Valerie:

We appreciate your interest in XXX. Over the past months we have reviewed and made changes to our training program in order to continue providing the high quality assistance dogs that our clients deserve.

We realize the effect an assistance dog can have on managing diabetes and we know the need is great The value our program results from the high standards we set, both in training our dogs as well as diabetic clients.

A decision has been made to focus our services on those living in the Northern and upper Central California areas and to discontinue our two week program.

Client feedback and data assessment indicate that the most successful partnerships are created when clients attend weekly training sessions over an extended period, and attend monthly follow-up sessions. We will continue to assess our program and hope to offer other training options in the future that will once again extend our service area to Oregon.

We regret we cannot serve you at this time. Please periodically check in with us on our website. While we do not have a specific recommendation for another program, you can check the website for Assistance Dogs International (www.assistancedogsinternational.org) to see if they are able to identify an accredited service in Oregon.

Best Wishes,

XXX

WTF. They decided to change things and not NOTIFY anyone? What about all the people in Oregon and other states who applied? I never received any kind of notification about the change, and if I hadn't randomly checked their website, I would have continued waiting. I emailed them back and told them this...that I was extremely disappointed and that if I had known, I would have searched other places for an alert dog. I don't think it's fair that they didn't at LEAST notify people in Oregon and other states...and I'm sad thinking that some of those people might still be waiting for a response because they're not aware of this random change in their program.

sensitive sugar, Seattle and a sore sensor site

Like that alliteration? :)

Last week, I noticed (or was reminded of) that my blood sugar is SO sensitive to exercise. That may be because I went from a workout fiend to...a person who rarely works out. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but at some point--between working later and feeling dizzy during my workouts--I started going to the gym less. I started getting frustrated that my blood sugar would drop so fast, so often. I got annoyed with having to cut my workout short or needing to stop and take a juice break. And then it just became a habit! Instead of figuring out my blood sugar so that I could work out, I just went straight home from work, made dinner, and relaxed. But, I know I feel so much better when I workout, and when I do, my blood sugar drops sooo quickly. Even just doing a 20-25 minute Jillian Michaels video made a huge difference. Not just for the day, but for the next day, too. I had to change my insulin ratio back to what it used to be when I worked out every day--1:15. On the 3rd day, I had to change my ratio back to what it is currently--1:12. This just shows me I need to workout more. And I need to work harder at figuring out my blood sugar for my workouts. I used to be good at it once upon a time.

Over the weekend, I went to visit some of my favorite people in Seattle! I love Portland, but sometimes I think about moving to Seattle. Two of my best friends from college live there--one actually just got done with grad school and moved back last month, so I was extra eager to see her. She was my roommate all 4 years of college AND we still call each other roommates. It was just us 2 for the first 2 years, then we acquired a 3rd roommate our junior year, and then a 4th senior year. My other Seattle friend, Laura, never lived with us, but we always lived close to each other and considered her our roommie, anyway. I always seem to luck out with roommates! Even now, after college.

So my boyfriend and I made the drive up to visit them, and we had so much fun. It was a short trip, but I plan on seeing them more frequently! The WEIRDEST thing happened when I was there, though I'm pretty sure I know what happened. My friend and her bf have 2 adorable, but semi-crazy cats. Well, my pump kept beeping because I was falling low. Every time, I woke up, I fished around for the wire and pulled my pump up to see what was going on. Until...I reached down and didn't feel the wire. I decided to start from the site--aha, there it is. Started trailing up the wire until my hand stopped--because there was NO wire. It was broken, cut, split off. I was so alarmed, that I shot straight up out of bed and looked for my pump. It was off to the side of my mattress (we were on the floor) with the rest of the wire attached. One of the cats had CHEWED the wire until it split! The weird thing is I wake up really easily and the wire didn't LOOK chewed. But that's the only explanation! My friend was a little shocked, but I told her it was no big deal and I had brought extra supplies so I just changed it out.

When I got home, I had to switch out my sensor and decided to try...the side butt spot. I usually go for the stomach region, but I wanted a change...and I've heard that people get good readings near the butt. But, I can only reach so far, and I don't want it to hit the toilet when I sit down. I don't know why that weirds me out (especially since it's covered by tape!), but it does. So I put it in a spot that's more like the side of my thigh. The only downside is that eventually it started pinching and getting a little tender. If I move my leg a certain way or my purse bumps against it, it huuuuurts. BUT, my sensor has been pretty terrific, and I don't want to give up a good spot just because it pinches every now and then. Gotta ride these sensors out!

A few pictures from over the years...including one from pre-D!

The 4 roommates senior year

Audrey, Me, Laura--freshman year (2003)

A & L visiting me in Portland (2007)

In Portland for my 25th birthday (2009)

Visiting them in Seattle (2011)

Understanding what it means

I understand that diabetes is a complicated disease to process for those who don't have it or manage it on a daily basis. I try not to overwhelm people with information when they ask questions. I try not to make it too complicated. But every time--it is. There is nothing "simple

about it.

I haven't been feeling so hot this week and every Wed., I'm in a meeting where we go over the layout of the ad. One of the ladies who has that sweet, nurturing, protective-bear Momma thing going on asked me if I was OK. Clearly, I wasn't looking so hot either!

Apparently it looked like I was going to pass out...no, my blood sugar wasn't low (I checked). I then told them I would try not to pass out on them!

This then launched into questions about diabetes, which I was totally okay with. I appreciate when people WANT to understand. I can tell the people in my Wednesday meetings want to get it. So they started asking me about low blood sugar and what makes one go low. I rattled off the usual...too much insulin, exercise can make you drop, so can drinking so you have to be careful...etc. Of course buyers kept walking in for their turn, so it got a little awkward for them to come into the middle of what sounded like a medical conversation. The lady who came in on the last part about low blood sugar and alcohol said something like, "Well MY blood sugar must be low all the time then!" Ha ha ha ha. I didn't want to explain to her that I am type 1.

Then they asked what they should do if I ever do get too low and pass out during the meeting? I told them someone should call 911, and then someone should try to give me sugar. I got a little uncomfortable during this part...no one likes to think about this happening! The designer asked how would they do that and I said that your mouth/gums absorb the sugar, so probably the best is sugar packets instead of candy or juice since I could choke (am I wrong? If so, someone please inform me!). I also told them I have a glucagon pen upstairs in my cube, but they would have to read the instructions.

It was all very sweet. I could tell they wanted to feel prepared for such an emergency. And I love that they want to help. I did reassure them that I haven't passed out so far, and I always carry glucose tabs with me so that I have some fast-acting sugar on hand at all times. Of course then another buyer came in while we were discussing this, but no one else told them what was going on, which again I appreciated. But since they are nice and seemed curious, I explained to them that I am a type 1 diabetic and we were just going over what to do in case of a low blood sugar.

The Momma-bear of the group said it was good for her/them to know, so I'm glad they feel like maybe they will be better equipped or more mentally ready for that kind of situation. Of course I'm hoping it NEVER happens! I also told them my signs of going low--shaky, sweaty, can't think straight, etc. At that time I was actually sweaty and shaky, so that was when I checked my sugar and it was at a good number. That's the thing I hate--if I'm sick or something is just off with me, I immediately think it's related to diabetes. I can't help it!

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't want anyone to help me. I wanted to be able to do everything on my own. Eventually, my friends, family and other people told me they wanted to help...they wanted to know things about diabetes and how it affected me. They have been understanding and I appreciate that so much because it makes it easier on me.

Truthfully, I sometimes feel bad when people ask me to lunch and I say, "I have a high blood sugar right now, so I might wait at least 30 min or an hour to eat if you want to wait...if not, no big deal." And I feel bad when I'm visiting my friends in Seattle and we're walking around downtown for a while until I finally say, "Uhhh, I think I need to check my blood sugar." And then they stop with me as I check and say, "Why didn't you SAY something sooner?!" And then they make me eat or drink something. There is no judgment--only concern. I don't feel like a burden or like a "sick person." There is no making me feel bad because I have to do things a little bit differently than they do.

So I understand that not everyone gets it or wants to get it--you can't understand it fully until you live it 24/7 and are impacted emotionally, physically, and psychologically by it. But the people who ask questions, who want to get it, who I can see trying to process it and who want to help...I love you all the more for it!