Friday, January 24, 2014

What Diabetes Means to Me

I've been thinking a lot lately about what diabetes means. Like anything in life, it means something different for everyone. Some of us have type 1. Some have type 2. Others don't have it but know someone who does. And then there are those who know nothing about it, but feel like they should comment on it anyway.

So, here's a little list of what diabetes me.

1. Testing my blood sugar anywhere from 5 to 10 times a day. This means poking my fingers over and over again. With it comes the waiting and the analyzing. Why is it high? Why is it low? Oh, it's normal—yay me.

2. Yes, I actually congratulate myself on my blood sugar. That's what happens when you take over the work of your organ. But this can also mean I get frustrated or blame myself for the "bad" numbers.

2. I favor fingers without thinking about it—until I look at them closely and realize the sides are calloused or have little black dots from all the pokes.

3. Waking up in the middle of the night and having my first thought be, "you should test your blood sugar." Sometimes it's normal. Sometimes it's not.

4. I carry some form of sugar with me at all times—just in case. Even the thought of not having enough glucose tabs or forgetting to grab my juice can make me feel panicked. Having sugar around is like having a security blanket.

5. Constantly reminding myself that it's going to be okay. This is especially true for when my blood sugar is low. "You've had lots of lows. Remember that time your blood sugar was 30? It's only 50 now. That's not so bad. Your glucose tabs worked then, and they'll work now. You'll feel better soon."

6. If I'm alone when my blood sugar is low, sometimes I call my parents. It goes back to feeling reassured—that someone who loves you will take care of you if you can't take care of yourself.

7. The fear of passing out. I've never passed out and hope I never do.

8. I have it pretty good considering how much things have advanced since diabetes was first diagnosed. Sure, things aren't perfect. Insulin is not a cure. But things have come a long way, and I'm grateful for that.

9. I should be more prepared. Every time I hear of a natural disaster or really anything that could be considered a crisis, I think about how I should really have all my diabetes stuff in one place, preferably within a bag that I could easily grab.

10. Sometimes I have to take breaks and ask for help. This is something I'm much better at. For the longest time, I didn't want to be viewed as different. I didn't want anyone to think I couldn't handle something. Now I have to face the fact that I can handle it—I just may need a little break to drink some juice or take some insulin.

11. I pay attention to everything I eat and do. It's not all about sugar, people. It's carbs. It's fiber. It's fat. It's protein. All of those things affect your blood sugar. Same goes for sitting, walking, or running. Being stressed. Being sick. Being on your period. The weather. Taking a hot shower after taking insulin.

12. I think about diabetes a lot. But, I also DON'T think about it a lot. It's hard to explain. A lot of diabetes is second nature. I've been doing this thing for 8 years now. I'm pretty used to it. But because I pay attention to every little thing, and because it's always THERE, that means I'm always taking it into consideration.

13. It's not funny. I'm okay with the half robot jokes. I allow people I know well to make what I will call sarcastic jokes about the diabetes-sugar correlation. But really, I'm tired of that whole joke. There aren't many chronic illnesses out there that get made fun of quite like diabetes (correct me if I'm wrong).

14. Worrying whether anyone else in my family will be affected one day. This includes my future children that I may or may not have. Still on the fence about that one.

15. My life is automatically harder, but it doesn't mean that it's worse. Sure, diabetes can be a difficult diagnosis. There's fear, there's paranoia, there's guilt, there's denial. It's with you all the time. It affects everything and everything affects it. But that doesn't mean everything has to go downhill because of it.

There are so many more things I could get into, but I will leave it at that—a glimpse into the life of a person with diabetes.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Major League Soccer & the JDRF

Hey peeps,

I don't know if you're into Major League Soccer, but your MIGHT be into the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF). This year, Vancouver BC's Community MVP for MLS W.O.R.K.S. is Bobby Samra. He's a really good guy who does great things in his community. If he wins, he'll get $10,000 to donate to the charity of his choice. His charity is JDRF.  A few years ago, Bobby's son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. A lot of us here know first-hand what it's like to get that diagnosis. And a lot of us know how it affects the people who love us. The JDRF has done a lot for Bobby's family, and now he wants to give back to the charity that has done so much for him and his son.

Now, NORMALLY I would not be voting against my own team (The Timbers!), but voting ends at 2pm PST, and at this point, it's a very, very close race against a Cascadia team (The Whitecaps) and Montreal Impact.

You may love soccer or you may not know anything about soccer. Either way, a vote for Bobby means a vote for the JDRF. If you want to see $10,000 go to the JDRF, please visit this link:

Click on Bobby Samra's name and VOTE! You can vote an unlimited amount of times.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Will You Hold onto My Diabetes...Just for a Bit?

I started this blog because it was extremely therapeutic to post about my d-life. And it helped to "meet" other people who were going through similar experiences and emotions. But then, I decided to stop all of it. I didn't write. I didn't read. But I wondered about what was going on with all of you. And maybe you wondered if I was okay. And I am--okay, that is.

It just became too much. Too overwhelming. I needed a break. But as you already know--you never get a real break from diabetes. Even if you've got a good handle on it, it's still always there.

When I was first diagnosed, I started out with a pretty great attitude about the whole thing. This came after crying in the doctor's office about how I couldn't have milkshakes anymore, of course. (And yes, I know I can still technically have milkshakes, but I also hate the whole mentality of, "I can eat ANYTHING with insulin on my side!)

Anyway. I tackled that whole diabetes thing. I cut a lot of things out of my diet. I learned a lot about nutrition and carb counting. I learned that being low doesn't mean I get to eat a kit-kat bar. I learned how to use a glucose meter and prick my fingers without hesitation. I learned to say things like, "It's really not that big of a deal" or "You could do it if you had to." I learned to NOT say things like, "Fuck you. I'll eat this if I want to, jerk."

I took a break from my insulin pump because I was tired of hiding the thing in my bra. I was tired of feeling it there, always attached. I was tired of inserting the CGM and having one more thing to stress over and obsess about. I was tired of the beeping and the vibrating and the constant mental calculations.

I've been on shots for a year and I've been doing pretty well (hello, 6.7% A1C). But doing pretty well isn't enough. For the last year, I haven't really learned anything new about managing type 1 diabetes. I've just been plugging along. I've been taking care of myself, sure, but I've also been complacent.

More recently, I went to the diabetes expo in Portland. As weird as it sounds, it re-energized me to learn more about diabetes and the products and tools available for me. I realized that while I was taking a break, I was also scooting diabetes under the rug or shooing it into another room.

For the most part, I pretend my diabetes doesn't exist. I look down and don't say anything when people who don't know me make diabetes jokes (would you joke about any other chronic illness, you assholes?). I give myself shots under tables. I never explain why I can't eat just yet or why I don't want a free company lunch that involves lots and lots of carbs. I live with it every day, but I don't let others live it with me. I don't let them see it because I'm afraid I will turn into the kind of person I don't want to be--the person who thinks, WOE IS ME. I HAVE DIABETES, WAHHHH.

To be honest, I feel that way more than I probably should. And maybe that's because I haven't been exposing that side of me. So maybe it's time for me to get back in the game. Share my ups & downs and read about yours. And maybe by doing that I can be a little bit stronger.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Where did that last year go?

It's been over a year since I've blogged. What? Is that true? I guess so! I didn't mean to take such a long hiatus, but I did. I hope no one thought I was dead...

A lot has happened since my last post. I'll skip through last winter and just go straight to this year.

I broke up with my boyfriend in April. Not an easy decision, but the right decision.

I quit my job in April and started a new job in May. Technically, I'd been working for my "new" company since March, but I was still working full-time at my old job. I was essentially working 60 hours a week for a little over a month.

I went back to shots in May. I decided I wanted to be free of the pump during summer. However, it's fall now and I haven't gone back to the pump. I will eventually, but it's been somewhat of a relief to not have it on me 24/7. I feel like I worry less--or have one less thing to fiddle with constantly.

My A1C is at 6.9%. It's dropped a little, but my ideal would be 6.5 It's been LESS THAN 6.5 before, so I know it's possible. I've been "better," but still a little lazy with getting my a1c down.

I wasn't looking for a new relationship, but then I met someone awesome. And Canadian. "They" say things happen when you're not looking for them. I'm not sure I actually believe that, but in this case, it's true. I didn't want a relationship. Especially not a long-distance relationship. But then I ended up with one. It was just too good to pass up.

I work all the time. Or that's how it feels. I tend to work over 40 hours a week. I love my company and the people I work with, so I don't mind the long hours or sometimes late nights.

I still wrestle with thoughts, like "I want to eat this whole bag of chips." "Or have 2 pieces of cake." I hate to think of being "different" or saying my life is different than your "normal" life. But it is. And I still battle with that at times--the "before diabetes" me and the "after diabetes" me. I'm not sure that will ever truly go away.

I turned 28. I don't feel 28. And apparently I don't look 28. No one believes me when I say how old I am, so I guess this is the age where I can safely start lying about my age. So, hello, I'm Val, and I'm 22 years old.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I'll admit it...I'm scared

Lately, within the last year or so, I've been scared of insulin. I know, it sounds weird. Insulin is what keeps me alive every day. Without insulin, I would be in poor shape and probably, not alive. I am so grateful for insulin, and somehow, I'm still scared of it.

If I knew how much insulin had been pumping through my body before I was in control of it, I would probably feel reassured.

The fact that I have the power of my pancreas overwhelms and scares me. Not all the time, but lately, a lot of the time. The thought of over-bolusing terrifies me. So much to the point where I have actually under-bolused a lot of times. Too many times to count.

I've had countless conversations with myself...I know I need more insulin for this extra snacking I am doing...I know that has more carbs than what I am inputting...but maybe it'll be okay. And then it's not okay. And then I kick myself, because I knew I should have given myself more insulin.

I don't like seeing so much insulin in my system. Seeing anything over 4 units scares me. It gives me a feeling of dread and worry...and I feel so much better when I see that number I have more control over what it does as it drops. The more insulin in my system, the less I feel in control. Like somehow, my insulin will rage out of control and make me drop low, and it'll be hard to combat it.

I also have a hard time with waiting for my blood sugar to be the number I want it to be--whether it's lower or higher. I know there's a delay...I know certain foods break down faster than others. I know that I should wait and not react so quickly. I see my my number drop fast and I think, I should eat a glucose tablet to ward off a low, when in reality, I just need to leave it alone. When I'm waiting for it to rise, I feel compelled to do finger pricks every 5 minutes, just to make sure it's coming back up. I lierally have to talk myself into not checking by saying things like, Val, I know you feel like shit right now, but it's going to be better in 10 minutes...just give it time.

I am not very patient and apparently, not very rational. I know I'm prone to anxiety, and so I wonder if that plays a part in how I handle my diabetes. I've gotten better at not constantly checking my number, but I am not better at not being scared.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Oh, hello!

It's been a while! No real reason for my blog vacation...I just sort of stopped for a while, but I have been reading YOUR wonderful blogs here and there.

I saw my endo today and my a1c is down 0.2% from 7.4 to 7.2. Not stellar, but I will still celebrate any drop--big or small! A couple years ago or less, I was closer to 6%. I try not to beat myself up too much for letting it climb back up to 8(ish)% and just focus on the fact I'm bringing it back down, slowly but surely. My endo asked me to test my ratios for breakfast, lunch and dinner, which means eating a known amount of carbs for each meal. I think I'd probably get better results with even sticking to the same meal(s) for a couple days. I don't know why I find it so hard sometimes to do these tests to make sure my ratios are right!

I also discussed with my endo how sensitive my blood sugar is to exercise--even just a 15 minute walk makes it drop! I'm dog-sitting right now and Jake, the dog, needs to be walked 2 times a day, which means I've getting at least a 20 minute walk in every day. That doesn't sound like much, but for me it is! It also feels weird to type that since I used to be an exercise fiend. Small steps, I guess.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

the ups & downs

The one thing we all strive for is stable levels. Most people, I think, like some kind of stability in their lives. When things are up and down and every which way, we tend to feel less in control. We tend to feel less stable.

On that note, my D has not been very stable this last week.

Apparently, I missed my endo appt. Apparently it was scheduled for July 29th. I'm not going to blame it on this, but I always get a call from my endo's office. I have never been late to or missed an appt with them. You think that if they had the time to call me later that day, after the appt., they had time to call me once they saw I was running late. I know they are not responsible for me, but still.

My conversation with the receptionist was very annoying. I explained to her that it didn't show up on my calendar and I didn't receive a call from them. She told me they have it on record that they called me and I confirmed. Um, no. I think I would remember speaking with you! She then (somewhat snootily/snottily?) said, "well, those calls are just a COURTESY, anyway." I'm sorry, but isn't it part of your job to make those calls? Don't you get paid to do that since you are doing it during your work hours? I know, I know, I probably sound like a bitch, but their office kind of annoys me in general.

I re-scheduled my appointment. I don't know if they are going to charge me for missing it.

Last week, I had a weird night of lows. I was high at bedtime and corrected...and then ran low all night. I swear I woke up every hour and ignored the vibrating and beeping of my sensor half the time. Even with a glucose tab here and there, I kept waking up low.

And then meter failed me. I did a bit of SWAGing for a bagel sandwich, and before lunch, I was 118...but still 1 unit of insulin on board, so I decided to eat a little lunch before bolusing. My sensor showed me as climbing, so going off my sensor, I kept bolusing. Is that what a rage bolus is, btw? So about 3 hours later, I feel sort of off. Meter displays a 110 and 1.5 units of insulin on board. I panic. Trusting my meter and wanting to avoid a low, I chug back some mocha mix drink and glucose tabs. Then I start to worry that I I check back in 15 min and I'm in the 230s. Hmmm, that doesn't seem right. I re-test because this situation has happened before. I'm low or trying to ward off a low, I test and show a high #, so I re-test and am actually still meter is just off for whatever reason.

So I re-test and the mid 200s and my sensor shows me shooting up. Uh-oh. Shit. Shit. Shit. Annoyed, I now bolus like crazy to get it down. Half an hour later and I'm at 300 something. My meter was WRONG...I didn't need all that extra sugar. I hate when technology fails me.

And I remain high all night because my sensor showed me dropping and stabilizing, so I didn't bolus as much when I finally ate dinner. But, that was a mistake because then IT decided to be off. This is why I don't usually bolus based off my sensor, but I thought I was feeling better and not still in the 300s. It's not much better now though...2 hours ago I was 267 and after a correction, I'm at 217 now.

See? No stability! And along with the up blood sugar comes the down emotions. I hate being high for hours, laying weak on the couch and feeling like destruction is being done to my body.