changing "I can't" to "I can"

Before I start in on this post, I wanted to clear up that post I wrote titled "FALSE information." I was really mad when I wrote that one and I don't even remember what I wrote exactly, but I wasn't trying to say that everyone should bolus for protein and fat. The point of that post was that dude with type 1 had put diabetes into a "one size fits all" approach and it bothered me. It bothered me that he completely discounted the idea of fat and protein playing a role in your diabetes management and insulin dosages. I realize that not everyone boluses the same and maybe there are some lucky people out there who don't bolus for their eggs or meat (not sure how you get away with that--doesn't fat and protein break down later for everyone?). But, I do believe that for most people, fat and protein plays a part in how you digest food, and I do know that fat can stay in your system for a looong time and give you higher blood sugar readings hours later, so...that's all.

OK, blog time.

Lately I've been having a lot more negative thoughts when it comes to my diabetes. When I was first diagnosed, I never really got angry or jealous or depressed. I just rolled with it and took it all in stride and figured it out. It's not like it made me incredibly happy, but my thoughts didn't spiral downward either. I think this is because I was in control more often than not and now I am not in control and it seems that I have to work harder to get back to that point. But, I have noticed that I've been thinking a lot more about how my life was like before diagnosis and how much I miss that freedom and flexibility I didn't realize I had before. I start to remember and picture moments of my life before D...to the point where I'm really not doing myself any justice and thinking about those memories is doing more harm than good. I also have become focused on how my life is different (and not in a positive way) and all the things I can't do or all the things that have become more difficult because of having diabetes. I never used to think like this in the "early days" of D. I never wanted to be labeled as different because of it; I never wanted special attention or help; I never thought of myself as being the person who wouldn't be in good control or the person who would develop complications--no, that wouldn't be me because I can do anything I want regardless of D.

Yes, that's how I used to think, but lately I have been in a "woe is me" state, and not only do I have to put more effort into getting my levels back to where they should be, I have to work harder at my mental health as well. Diabetes doesn't just affect just your physical well-being...it affects you mentally and emotionally. It can attack you relentlessly, and while you're already down and not feeling your strongest, it can make every little thing in your life seem harder. That's how it's been for me lately and I know that I need to make some kind of plan in order for me to take action and keep propelling forward.

the good kind of high

I've forgotten what it feels like--the post workout high. It feels AMAZING! I've been (once again) feeling really dizzy the last few days. I could barely even drive back and forth to work, and yesterday I didn't drive at all. I am sure that a big part of it is my blood sugar. Not only do I feel more sensitive to blood sugar changes, but I also feel low, dizzy, etc. when my blood sugar is within a normal range. I used to rarely have a high number, especially not a # in the 300s, and for the last year or so, it seems that I reach 300 almost daily. I am now working hard at having more stable numbers (like I used to), but it is really difficult because in the meantime, I feel like crap and it's been a struggle to ride it out and tell myself that my body will get re-adjusted to those more normal numbers.

Does anyone know how long it takes to not feel like crap while your body is re-adjusting to those "lower" numbers? Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

I know that this is my doing...I was the one who became more lax about my diet. I was the one who decided I deserved to indulge more during the holidays, which then carried into my regular diet. I was the one who started craving more sweets and decided to buy ice cream pints and eat the entire thing in one day. Although my diet has gotten back on track (mostly), my exercise routine has not. I used to be the person who worked out almost every day. At some point within the last 6 months+, I started putting in more hours at work and I started getting dizzier, and the thought of working out seemed like too much work. All I wanted to do after work was go home, lay down on the couch, and get something to eat. This unfortunately turned into a pattern...a very bad pattern, and it's something that I need to change because working out feels so good. Not only does it help stabilize my numbers, but it puts me in a better mood and makes me feel more mentally strong instead of wanting to collapse when the littlest thing goes wrong. It keeps those negative thoughts from spinning out of control and taking over. I know this, and now I just need to put it in action.

confused!

Another reason for why I'm down lately is I feel like I don't understand my blood sugar at ALL. Not even a little bit! I ate a little randomly around lunch time so I guessed at some boluses...I checked around 2 hours later and I was at 100 (much to my surprise). That being said, I had about 1 unit of insulin on board and I am leaving work in about an hour and planning on working out, so I decided to eat a couple of glucose tablets. I checked again 15 min later and my BG is 237. What! I don't get it? Why did it rise so much? The only thing I can think of is maybe my meter was off. Has anyone else had this problem? I'm not going to give a correction because it will probably drop a bit in the next hour and I DO want to work out so I don't mind if it's a little on the high side for now. Just not understanding right now...!

so tired

I don't know how the D-parents do it...I can barely take care of myself! I can't imagine taking care of one little person, let alone 2 or 3 or 4.

That being said, I'm exhausted. I had a nightmare WITHIN a nightmare last night. It had to do with having a low blood sugar and it was pretty horrible. I woke up, heart pounding, and with fumbling hands decided to check my BG. This was at 12:35AM. My meter read 89. It had dropped from the low 200s and I decided to eat one glucose tablet (just in case). I texted my boyfriend because I knew he was still up and I tend to turn into a big baby when I have a nightmare. Bad dreams are scary enough, but when they are about something that is very REAL and possible, it's even more scary. I don't think I slept well after that, but I woke up to a 135...I hate when this happens! They say not to go to bed with a "low", so then you treat it and wake up with a less than ideal number--annoying.

The rest of the day was bla. I think my overall higher blood sugars are affecting me. I know I was diagnosed with vasovagal (low blood pressure), but I also think that my higher readings are playing a part in making me feel dizzy. I ended up leaving work early because I felt super dizzy. Walking to my car seemed like so much work, and I only made it about 10 blocks before I had to pull over and call my parents. To top it off, my phone had died so I had to walk into the nearest building and ask the person working there if I could use their phone. Then I had to wait in the parking lot for almost an hour (some miscommunication there btwn parents...no big deal, but it felt awful waiting there feeling like absolute crap!). Not only do I feel awful at this point...I just want to close my eyes and sort of disappear...but the fact that I can't take care of myself is probably what feels the worst at this point. If I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of anyone else? The fact that this is happening more and more lately makes me feel so down, and when I'm already down, I can't help but kick myself even more. It's hard to be positive and pull yourself out out of those negative thoughts and feelings.

I made it home (thanks to my Dad), but I am still feeling terrible. I ended up going to Fred Meyer for some (dairy-free) ice cream, then wishing I hadn't tried to drive anywhere. I got home and collapsed on my couch with the ice cream and burst out crying. At that point I didn't even want the ice cream....I had just gotten it so I could remain in my self-pity. But knowing that I have to figure out carbs and insulin for my ice cream made me even more sad and upset. I decided to take a shower because sometimes the shower is the best place to be when you are crying and feeling sorry for yourself.

I just feel like I'm drowning over here. I haven't felt this anxiety in a long time. I haven't felt suffocated with all these depressing thoughts in a long time. I miss my life from before, the life of not having to worry about every little thing that could play a part in/affect my diabetes. I miss being able to eat what I wanted without figuring out carbs, fat, protein, etc. I miss working out without wondering what my BG is and what I need to do to keep it in check before, during and after a workout. I miss the freedom of it all. I miss everything being so easy. OK, it may not have always seemed easy before, but it was so much easier than it is now. I feel like I've had to go through so many hard things (not just diabetes), and I'm sick of it. I don't get it. It's not fair. Bla bla bla, you know the drill. I'm just so SICK and TIRED of all of it. I don't want it! I don't want to deal with it anymore, but I have to...I don't really have much of a choice, do I?

FALSE information

For some reason I decided to go on a diabetes forum and see what people were saying for "why I got diabetes." Of course this led to me reading a post that was posted BY a diabetic, claiming that eggs are a "free" food so you can eat as much as you want and reducing meat doesn't have anything to do with diabetes. THIS from a diabetic with an a1c of under 6%.

What?!

It really gets my blood boiling when I see inaccurate information being spread around like this--especially to the newly diagnosed. For anyone reading this, eggs are NOT a free food and meat DOES affect your blood sugar levels. The high amount of protein in both foods can cause a delayed high blood sugar and I always, ALWAYS have to bolus for both those foods. If I don't, my blood sugar will stay high for hours (especially when it comes to meat). It's really disheartening to think that some people think it's all about sugar or all about carbs. Well, it's NOT. It's about everything in your meal, including protein and fat. This person was also telling people to eliminate certain foods like potatoes and bagels. How sad is that?! I understand avoiding or cutting back, but not totally eliminating something unless you are a) allergic or b) you know it's a source of trouble for you for whatever reason and you want to give it up for a while...that is still YOUR choice.

I created an account just so I could comment on that post, though I think it was from a year ago, so it's probably not even worth it, but I wanted the guy who posted to see that what he was saying is wrong ... also I do not understand how his a1c is so great if he is eating tons of red meat when he thinks it doesn't affect BG levels.

On another note, I watched a really interesting documentary about fast food and why it's not to blame for the rise in obesity. It was called "Fat Head", and it was a follow-up to Super Size Me, and it basically picked it apart and explained its inaccuracies. It explained how the definition of obesity has changed and how some people were considered obese just because of their BMI. It also went into some scientific theories that had been "proven", when really the scientist just threw out any data that didn't agree with what he wanted to find. This data supposedly shows that a high fat diet is what's bad for you and it's what causes cholesterol to build up and put you at risk for heart disease. According to this documentary, that's not completely true. This guy increased his fat and protein and cut down on carbs, and his overall health (including cholesterol) improved. He even went to far as to say that cholesterol levels don't play a part in heart disease. It's high blood sugars that wreak havoc, not high cholesterol. At first I was annoyed and irritated while watching this documentary, but the more I watched and listened, the more it piqued my curiosity and I couldn't help but think...this guy seems to have a point. He also showed that all the money that goes into statins is basically a joke. This wasn't just him stating it--this was research and other medical professional who joined the discussion.

Although I found it interesting, this high protein/fat diet wouldn't really work for me (a type 1), but for the non-D people, it's something to think about or research more...

"I won't let go"

I have to post this video reeeeally quick before I rush off to work. I know in the beginning they say something about the song being for newly engaged couples, but I think anyone can apply these lyrics to whatever is going on their lives. Because I've been struggling lately, this song makes me think of all the supportive people in my life whom I absolutely love and cherish! This song makes me think about any kind of stressful or hard time I've experienced, and there is something very uplifting and emotional about it. Also, I love Rascal Flatts.

This link has the video and lyrics...just scroll down a bit to see them both.

rough nights

Last night was not fun. Between the hours of midnight and 8AM, my sensor woke me up at least 8 times. Each time, it was due to a predictive low alert and each time my # was just fine. Yes, my # was dropping, but it was dropping steadily. At one point I mumbled, "stop lying to me," and then promptly fell back to sleep. I woke up with a 90 and decided there was no way I could go into work this morning. I was too tired to care and luckily my workplace is understanding and I have plenty of sick hours accrued. I took a couple bites of a granola bar so that I wouldn't fall low and slept until about noon. I haven't slept in that late for years!

I got up and decided to make a small lunch: a low carb wrap with a chicken patty and string cheese. The wrap is about 3 carbs, and the chicken patty has around 30ish grams of protein, but I ate only 1/2 of the patty. Soon after, my pump showed that I was heading up fast, so I bolused, and when I checked about an hour later, it was around 150, so I wasn't too concerned. I need to brush up on my pumping knowledge because I still don't understand how protein affects blood sugar levels.

I didn't eat much today because I was feeling tired from the night before still and just kind of blah in general. Also my normal eating schedule was way off, and nothing really sounded good. I turned down my basal for a while because I thought I might hit the gym, but then decided I was too tired and would take the dog for a short walk. By the way, the dog I am referring to is not the one in the picture--that dog belongs to my oldest brother and his wife. My blood sugar had gone up to the 200s and that short walk didn't really do anything to bring it down. I did a correction and decided to wait a while before I made dinner. This is where it goes downhill real fast! I had green beans, some sweet potato french fries, a slice of a wheat baguette and lamb. It was delicious, but I am pretty sure I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to meat and its fat content. I thought I bolused enough for the carbs, and I decided to increase my basal, but only by 10%. Soon after, I was getting the arrow up and I started feeling really sick. I was at 250 and going up so I decided to manually give myself extra insulin over the next hour or two. I know I could have used the extended bolus feature, but I used to pretty good about guessing how much to dose out over an extended time...not so much anymore. I gave myself at least 2-2.5 extra units insulin, if not more, based on the #s I was getting and how I was feeling. Even still, it wasn't enough because I was in the 300s for at least a couple of hours and it was AWFUL. I really need to get some ketone strips. I felt dizzy, nauseated and felt like everything was just too hard...even just laying there on the couch. I was worried that it was taking too long to come down. My roommates and I were about to watch The Bachelor (yes, it's a roommate ritual), but I was so sick and so upset over my high #s, that I called my mom and started sobbing. I share a lot of things with my roommies, and they know all about the ups and downs of my diabetes, but I felt really alone in that moment and I didn't want them to be concerned about me. Instead, I walked into my room and called my mom and cried for a couple minutes. She asked what she could do, and I said "nothing. It's just tiring." Then I wiped my tears and went back in to watch the show, all the while keeping close tabs on my numbers.

Towards the end of the show, I was hovering in the 170s-180s according to my sensor, but the meter read 220 so I gave myself a correction and am now waiting for it to drop to a normal bedtime #. Sensor is showing 150s currently, so hopefully the # will be stabilized soon. Unfortunately I still feel terrible. I feel better than when I was in the 300s but I still feel sick to my stomach, like I might throw up at any time. Me and nausea do not mix well. I haven't vomited from sickness since I was around the age of 7...I am pretty sure my body decided it didn't like the act of throwing up and would not do it again. (I will admit I've thrown up a few times from drinking too much alcohol, but I have no desire to reach that point ever again.)

Part of my frustration is that I feel like I really don't understand my diabetes right now, and I know that I need to understand fat and protein better. There's just so much EFFORT involved all the time. And you have to keep putting forth the effort so you can understand it all better. You have to put effort into re-educating yourself. Sometimes I really wish that all the people closest to me could just carry it for a bit, just shoulder what currently feels like a burden, and then they could truly understand how hard it is and how much effort it takes every single moment of the day. Sigh.

perspective

Hearing about the earthquake in Japan and its effects has made me incredibly sad, but it has also made me feel grateful for what I have. It's not that I didn't feel grateful before, but I know that I've been very negative lately. I feel every little frustration x 10. I complain more. I bitch more. And whenever something goes wrong or I don't feel well, I focus on it and make it worse with my negative attitude. Yes, diabetes sucks. The thought of being in a natural disaster terrifies me even more so because I rely on insulin and technology to manage my health and survive.

My roommate and I started talking about all these natural disasters as of late, and then she asked me what my plan is if there was a natural disaster here. I don't like to think about it and she was actually freaking me out a bit, but it did force me to think about it, which I think is a good thing. It's easy to go about your life and be inside your little bubble you create for yourself. It can be difficult to comprehend life outside of that at times.

It also made me remember that I am in control of how I react to things. I can choose to be in a bad mood or I can choose to be in a good mood. Wouldn't my life be less stressful, less anxiety-filled if I remembered to breathe more and relax? I can choose to educate myself or I can stay stagnant. I can choose to be happy. I can choose to actually live my life instead of letting diabetes take control. I can start taking responsibility for my actions instead of acting like things are just "happening" to me and it's "unfair." That doesn't mean I won't have those down days or won't be sympathetic to people who are down, but I am tired of being tired. I'm tired of being in a bad mood, of letting diabetes take over my body, my mind, my feelings. It's time to take back that control and it's time to remember the things I AM grateful for.

I'm grateful for my family, for my friends, my boyfriend...all the GOOD people in my life who are my support system. I'm grateful to have a job, to have a decent income and insurance. I'm grateful that I have running water and a place to live. I'm grateful to be safe and secure. And it's about time I focus on these positives in my life instead of letting the negatives run the show.

I don't understand you!

I've been silently screaming this at diabetes all day.

I decided to eat oatmeal this morning because I haven't had it in a while and I can usually count on stable blood sugar levels 2 hours later. I bolused early and even ate my breakfast veeeery slowly while browsing blogs. I had woken up with a 90ish and noticed my BG went up about 20 points while showering. I used to bolus for lost time but I don't really do that anymore...should I? Does my body get slowly resistant in the morning and I need more insulin? So I check my BG before I get in the car to drive to work...250. I am HATING on spikes. I decided to wait it out because I had enough insulin in my system. Sure enough, within 2 hours, it came down to 125. I was happy about that, but I don't understand the huge spike. It makes me feel like I don't know what the eff I am doing.

Then, during the end of a meeting today, my sensor started vibrating. I look at my pump and it says "sensor end." They told me I could wear my sensor for up to 5-7 days if it was still accurate. Well, the last two times I've put in a new sensor it was because the sensor ended after exactly 3 days. My CDE told me to disconnect the sensor, connect it again, then see if it works. It wouldn't find it or reconnect to the old, so I had to choose "add new sensor" and of course then it has to warm up for a couple hours before it kicks in and gives a reading. Switching out the sensor doesn't bug me...it bugs me that I have to wait a couple hours for it to start again. I don't understand why it's ending after exactly 3 days...does it know the FDA rule or something?! They shouldn't always end after 3 days, right?! Is this just a fluke?

Dinner time at my parent's house was fun. My brother, sister-in-law and 1 year old nephew came over and it was great seeing them. I know everyone says this, but I really do have the best and cutest nephew in the world! He is such an awesome kid, and it's been so fun watching him grow up and learn new things. My sensor showed I was at 100ish and dropping so I waited to bolus, which may have been a mistake. I ended up going high a couple hours after dinner...and as I was driving home, it apparently started to go up quickly. All of a sudden it showed that I was in the high 200s with double arrows up...craaaap. I checked my # and it said 220. OK, not too terrible...I will just do a little bolus and check back. I felt a little funny half an hour later so I decided to test and the meter read 118. What?! I was half a second from pounding my cran-raspberry juice when the logical part of my brain kicked in and told me there is no possible way it dropped so much so soon. I decided to re-test and the re-test showed 278. Ummm, awesome. I love getting such a huge variance like that! Obviously my sensor had been right and I was rising fast. Bolus, bolus, bolus. An hour later and my # started to drop with 2 arrows down while I was in the shower, but now it shows a steady high and an arrow up. What?! I don't understand!

Good. Bad. Really good. Really bad. With diabetes, they always talk about the risks--possible health complications, etc. But, they don't mention that those numbers can bring you from a high to a low mood within seconds. I feel like I have been pumping my body with extra insulin for the last 2 hours and it doesn't seem to be doing a thing except keeping it from going even higher than it already is. I wouldn't say I'm in a bad mood, but I'm not in the cheeriest mood either. It frustrates me that the stuff I pay money for doesn't always work or isn't always accurate. It frustrates me that I can't figure out my highs. It frustrates me that one bad number can put me in a bad mood.

dinner plans

It's come to my attention recently that I still kind of eat like a college kid, especially when it comes to dinner. I'm not saying I eat ramen every night, but I don't put a lot of time or effort into my dinner. I take the time to make and eat a wholesome breakfast and lunch, but by the time dinner rolls around, I put together whatever is fast and convenient. I don't always eat a snack btwn lunch and dinner either, so sometimes I go 5 hours without eating and that really doesn't cut it for me. I used to eat big meals every few hours, but lately I feel like I need smaller, more frequent meals.

I find that when I don't have a plan and I'm tired and hungry, the last thing I want to do is put together a well-rounded dinner when I get home from work. The sad thing is I have tons of recipes saved--even recipes that claim to be quick and easy--so what's my deal? I just haven't had the energy lately. It seems easier to just make a sandwich wrap or mindlessly graze, which ends up being bad because I seem to no longer know how to give myself insulin when I do that. I seem to have no idea of how much fat or protein I consumed and what to do with my bolus. I'm not sure I even knew protein played a part until I read about it on a blog somewhere! The worst part is I feel guilty for being so lax about it and letting my blood sugars get into the 300s.

I feel guilty just writing that.

I know I need to start planning my dinners. I know this, but I don't do it! All I can do is take baby steps, I guess...maybe plan out dinner once or twice a week. I should mention that my parents live pretty close and I have dinner there at least once a week, and I know I will always eat well there...and the bonus is that I don't have to do anything! :) I also know that I need to start an elimination diet...and that will take even MORE planning. It's hard to put in the effort of planning when you have zero energy.

From low to high

I have this problem where when I'm low, I'm no longer satisfied with the "eat a certain amount of carbs and wait a certain amount of time" rule. I used to have no problem doing this, but after 5 years, I've come to dread the feeling that comes along with a low. You think I would be fine considering I've been in the low 30s while DRIVING. Yes, that was my fault, and yes, it was scary. And yes, I was too stubborn to pull over. I treated my low while driving, but it continued to drop anyway until I got to my cross street, waited the miserable minutes until I could cross, then sped up my street, parked, ran into my house, tossed back glucose tabs and told my roommate I was having an "emergency." Luckily, I came back up and was fine, but that moment of waiting...that FIFTEEN minutes of waiting feels like an eternity.

In that moment, I feel like death. Everything around me gets kind of fuzzy; the world is continuing to do its thing, but I am not a part of it. I can't think clearly. All I can think about is getting to some sugar. I stumble. I chug my juice. I gobble my tablets like I'm starving and that's the only thing around to eat. I sit and my mind goes into a foggy haze because I don't have the energy to stand or hold my head up or keep my eyes open. I don't have the energy to think or talk to people or be a part of the world that surrounds me. I'm in my own world and it sucks.

Because my #s have been higher this last year, my body has gotten used to the highs. It's comfortable there. It's used to waking up with a normal number, and it's used to fluctuating during the day. I don't want to believe it, but feel like this fluctuating is slowly killing me. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but it's definitely not a GOOD thing. My body is sensitive. I can feel when I'm slooooowly dropping, and I can feel when I start to rise. It's a constant reminder that every little thing I'm doing is somehow affecting my body--good or bad. And sometimes I really don't care because I'm tired. I don't have the mental energy to fight off diabetes and its constant attacks. I don't have the stamina to keep going every little minute of every day. But I worry that I'm doing damage. I worry about my future and my family's future. I'm 26 and not focused on getting married/having kids at this time, but I know I want it in the future, and I'm worried for when that time comes. I'm worried that I will be 90 and unable to take care of myself. I don't worry about this stuff every day, but it's the stuff that sort of subconsciously skips around my mind and presents itself when I am already down. It's easy to focus on the negative when you feel mentally and physically beaten.

Back to the lows. My lows now-a-days are like 60s and 70s. I even feel low at 90 sometimes when I've come down from a high #. That's one of the MOST irritating things. It's like, OK, I am back to normal now, I did my job to stabilize my blood sugar, can you back off now, diabetes? No, not even then! It starts tweaking out over the change. I know, I know, it's probably just a temporary thing. I keep telling myself that if I keep getting stable numbers and bring myself back into range, my body will get used to the "lows" that are really just "normal" #s. But feeling low is AWFUL, and it's hard to rationalize. It's hard to tell my mind to calm down because all I want to do is fix the feeling. I pay for it later when it goes high again, but somehow feeling instantly better is worth the high. Ha. I am lying to myself though...it's NOT worth it. The high feeling is horrible and it lasts longer than the low. It's a vicious cycle and I'm having a hard time getting out of it. I don't know how to tell myself, my mind, my body, that everything will be OK. These "lows" are "normal" and you will adjust. You don't have to be high, you don't have to feel crappy, you don't have to worry so much. You just need time to adjust. You need to be patient. You need to have more faith. You need to tell yourself that your body is strong and capable. Just because it's failed you multiple times does not mean it will fail you this time.

The cereal spike

I am finally coming to the realization that I have to do something different with my insulin when it comes to eating cereal. This morning, my sensor woke me up twice, alerting me to a low. My # was dropping, but steadily. I woke up to an 89 with an arrow down, so I ate a couple glucose tabs, lowered basal for a bit, then went back to sleep. Woke up a little later with a 90...success!

Put my basal back to the regular .70, and then decided to eat cereal and make a latte. The meal was around 53 carbs, so I bolused, then waited about 10 min to eat. I think I should have waited longer or maybe I need to change my ratio? Maybe I didn't need to lower my basal like that since I was planning on eating soon after waking up? Either way, I didn't do it right because it's an hour later and my sensor started showing double arrows up. 200 went to mid 200s, then to low 300s, then to mid 300s. As soon as I saw the double arrows, I checked my BG, and my reading was actually 20 pts higher than my sensor. OK, this means I need to take action. Insulin correction on its way! Still seems to be going up so I bolus a little more....sensor now reads 355 but only 1 arrow up. Ugh. I hate hate HATE going from being 80ish in the morning to over 300 in only a couple hours. It always feels like I'm doing so much damage to my body.

Cereal is a hard one for me...I generally eat a cereal with a lower carb amount, but it doesn't seem to matter....my BG spikes every time. I think I need to wait longer...maybe 20 minutes? I used to never wait for the insulin to kick in before a meal, but now I'm finding that waiting 15 minutes really helps even out my level as it rises.

It's funny how a success can turn into a failure real fast. I just have to not let it ruin my mood!

the love/hate relationship

I've been a little behind in the blogging world this last week, but I have to say that I appreciate everyone's comments! It's wonderful hearing that support and knowing there are others out there who truly understand the ups and downs of having diabetes.

OK, I'll admit it. It's a little too early to have a love/hate relationship with my CGM. I'm excited to be hooked up (literally, it is IN me) and I am not upset that I have to have another thing in my body 24/7, but I just don't know what to think of it yet. It has already failed, and it's been only TWO days. I'm not really sure what happened, but it predicted that I was going low with 1 arrow down and a 90 BG. I checked my # and meter read 130. I thought maybe something was wrong because I had turned down my basal and just ate a small snack, so it shouldn't be heading down...so I calibrated and shortly after, I got a calibration error. Say whaaaaaaaat?! I did what it told me to do, and then it went back to "warming up" mode, and then told me to "change sensor." I called my CDE and she told me that when I calibrated during a down arrow, it knew it wasn't on target and that may be a reason for why it failed. That seems weird to me! But now I have to change it after only 2 days and I am a little nervous about it. She helped me do it the first time, and it was mostly her doing it because I always feel so awkward with all the little steps. I was that way with my first pump change though and now it's like second nature, so I know it won't be a big deal...but I also don't SEE the needle going in me with a pump change. The needle with the CGM is a little intimidating!

I don't have too many thoughts on my CGM yet...I know that I need to give it time and it's mostly for trending, but I still don't know what to do with that info yet. Except for this reading today, it's been right when I was heading down or heading up, and knowing that has been a comfort and a relief. Sometimes the readings were within 5-20 points, and sometimes they were 40-60 points off. A couple times they were 100 points off! Sometimes the CGM showed me I was doing better than what my meter showed, and sometimes it showed me doing worse. I also wasn't sure if the calibrating was helping it figure things out. I know they said being within 20 pts is great, but it can be such a big difference! Being 40+ pts off was really frustrating, especially when it showed me a worse # than the BG test. If I want to see the up and down graph of my levels, I don't want to see a 180 on the graph when I'm really a 140. That's a big difference! However, I also remember reading that the sensor takes time to catch up to the actual BG reading. With all the high-tech stuff out there, I'm not sure why this hasn't been figured out yet. I know it only reaches your interstitial fluid and that's one reason for not being completely accurate. I guess it's just slightly disappointing and frustrating, even though I know it's used mostly for trending and spotting patterns. But if it's off 40+ points, what are you supposed to do with that?!

I am already missing it a bit though, now that I need to replace it with a new one. I like getting an idea of what's going on inside my body. Also, I'm slightly obsessed with it. I've been looking at it constantly! I find it really fascinating, even if it isn't always accurate. I'm hoping that the next sensor will go more smoothly and as time passes, I will know what to do with all this info. Also, I definitely need to brush up on my pumping skills. Meeting with my CDE made me realize there are certain features I wasn't taking advantage of, and I know I really should re-educate myself.

And yes, you do have to charge the transmitter. But it only takes about 10 minutes.