so tired

I don't know how the D-parents do it...I can barely take care of myself! I can't imagine taking care of one little person, let alone 2 or 3 or 4.

That being said, I'm exhausted. I had a nightmare WITHIN a nightmare last night. It had to do with having a low blood sugar and it was pretty horrible. I woke up, heart pounding, and with fumbling hands decided to check my BG. This was at 12:35AM. My meter read 89. It had dropped from the low 200s and I decided to eat one glucose tablet (just in case). I texted my boyfriend because I knew he was still up and I tend to turn into a big baby when I have a nightmare. Bad dreams are scary enough, but when they are about something that is very REAL and possible, it's even more scary. I don't think I slept well after that, but I woke up to a 135...I hate when this happens! They say not to go to bed with a "low", so then you treat it and wake up with a less than ideal number--annoying.

The rest of the day was bla. I think my overall higher blood sugars are affecting me. I know I was diagnosed with vasovagal (low blood pressure), but I also think that my higher readings are playing a part in making me feel dizzy. I ended up leaving work early because I felt super dizzy. Walking to my car seemed like so much work, and I only made it about 10 blocks before I had to pull over and call my parents. To top it off, my phone had died so I had to walk into the nearest building and ask the person working there if I could use their phone. Then I had to wait in the parking lot for almost an hour (some miscommunication there btwn parents...no big deal, but it felt awful waiting there feeling like absolute crap!). Not only do I feel awful at this point...I just want to close my eyes and sort of disappear...but the fact that I can't take care of myself is probably what feels the worst at this point. If I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of anyone else? The fact that this is happening more and more lately makes me feel so down, and when I'm already down, I can't help but kick myself even more. It's hard to be positive and pull yourself out out of those negative thoughts and feelings.

I made it home (thanks to my Dad), but I am still feeling terrible. I ended up going to Fred Meyer for some (dairy-free) ice cream, then wishing I hadn't tried to drive anywhere. I got home and collapsed on my couch with the ice cream and burst out crying. At that point I didn't even want the ice cream....I had just gotten it so I could remain in my self-pity. But knowing that I have to figure out carbs and insulin for my ice cream made me even more sad and upset. I decided to take a shower because sometimes the shower is the best place to be when you are crying and feeling sorry for yourself.

I just feel like I'm drowning over here. I haven't felt this anxiety in a long time. I haven't felt suffocated with all these depressing thoughts in a long time. I miss my life from before, the life of not having to worry about every little thing that could play a part in/affect my diabetes. I miss being able to eat what I wanted without figuring out carbs, fat, protein, etc. I miss working out without wondering what my BG is and what I need to do to keep it in check before, during and after a workout. I miss the freedom of it all. I miss everything being so easy. OK, it may not have always seemed easy before, but it was so much easier than it is now. I feel like I've had to go through so many hard things (not just diabetes), and I'm sick of it. I don't get it. It's not fair. Bla bla bla, you know the drill. I'm just so SICK and TIRED of all of it. I don't want it! I don't want to deal with it anymore, but I have to...I don't really have much of a choice, do I?

FALSE information

For some reason I decided to go on a diabetes forum and see what people were saying for "why I got diabetes." Of course this led to me reading a post that was posted BY a diabetic, claiming that eggs are a "free" food so you can eat as much as you want and reducing meat doesn't have anything to do with diabetes. THIS from a diabetic with an a1c of under 6%.

What?!

It really gets my blood boiling when I see inaccurate information being spread around like this--especially to the newly diagnosed. For anyone reading this, eggs are NOT a free food and meat DOES affect your blood sugar levels. The high amount of protein in both foods can cause a delayed high blood sugar and I always, ALWAYS have to bolus for both those foods. If I don't, my blood sugar will stay high for hours (especially when it comes to meat). It's really disheartening to think that some people think it's all about sugar or all about carbs. Well, it's NOT. It's about everything in your meal, including protein and fat. This person was also telling people to eliminate certain foods like potatoes and bagels. How sad is that?! I understand avoiding or cutting back, but not totally eliminating something unless you are a) allergic or b) you know it's a source of trouble for you for whatever reason and you want to give it up for a while...that is still YOUR choice.

I created an account just so I could comment on that post, though I think it was from a year ago, so it's probably not even worth it, but I wanted the guy who posted to see that what he was saying is wrong ... also I do not understand how his a1c is so great if he is eating tons of red meat when he thinks it doesn't affect BG levels.

On another note, I watched a really interesting documentary about fast food and why it's not to blame for the rise in obesity. It was called "Fat Head", and it was a follow-up to Super Size Me, and it basically picked it apart and explained its inaccuracies. It explained how the definition of obesity has changed and how some people were considered obese just because of their BMI. It also went into some scientific theories that had been "proven", when really the scientist just threw out any data that didn't agree with what he wanted to find. This data supposedly shows that a high fat diet is what's bad for you and it's what causes cholesterol to build up and put you at risk for heart disease. According to this documentary, that's not completely true. This guy increased his fat and protein and cut down on carbs, and his overall health (including cholesterol) improved. He even went to far as to say that cholesterol levels don't play a part in heart disease. It's high blood sugars that wreak havoc, not high cholesterol. At first I was annoyed and irritated while watching this documentary, but the more I watched and listened, the more it piqued my curiosity and I couldn't help but think...this guy seems to have a point. He also showed that all the money that goes into statins is basically a joke. This wasn't just him stating it--this was research and other medical professional who joined the discussion.

Although I found it interesting, this high protein/fat diet wouldn't really work for me (a type 1), but for the non-D people, it's something to think about or research more...

"I won't let go"

I have to post this video reeeeally quick before I rush off to work. I know in the beginning they say something about the song being for newly engaged couples, but I think anyone can apply these lyrics to whatever is going on their lives. Because I've been struggling lately, this song makes me think of all the supportive people in my life whom I absolutely love and cherish! This song makes me think about any kind of stressful or hard time I've experienced, and there is something very uplifting and emotional about it. Also, I love Rascal Flatts.

This link has the video and lyrics...just scroll down a bit to see them both.

rough nights

Last night was not fun. Between the hours of midnight and 8AM, my sensor woke me up at least 8 times. Each time, it was due to a predictive low alert and each time my # was just fine. Yes, my # was dropping, but it was dropping steadily. At one point I mumbled, "stop lying to me," and then promptly fell back to sleep. I woke up with a 90 and decided there was no way I could go into work this morning. I was too tired to care and luckily my workplace is understanding and I have plenty of sick hours accrued. I took a couple bites of a granola bar so that I wouldn't fall low and slept until about noon. I haven't slept in that late for years!

I got up and decided to make a small lunch: a low carb wrap with a chicken patty and string cheese. The wrap is about 3 carbs, and the chicken patty has around 30ish grams of protein, but I ate only 1/2 of the patty. Soon after, my pump showed that I was heading up fast, so I bolused, and when I checked about an hour later, it was around 150, so I wasn't too concerned. I need to brush up on my pumping knowledge because I still don't understand how protein affects blood sugar levels.

I didn't eat much today because I was feeling tired from the night before still and just kind of blah in general. Also my normal eating schedule was way off, and nothing really sounded good. I turned down my basal for a while because I thought I might hit the gym, but then decided I was too tired and would take the dog for a short walk. By the way, the dog I am referring to is not the one in the picture--that dog belongs to my oldest brother and his wife. My blood sugar had gone up to the 200s and that short walk didn't really do anything to bring it down. I did a correction and decided to wait a while before I made dinner. This is where it goes downhill real fast! I had green beans, some sweet potato french fries, a slice of a wheat baguette and lamb. It was delicious, but I am pretty sure I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to meat and its fat content. I thought I bolused enough for the carbs, and I decided to increase my basal, but only by 10%. Soon after, I was getting the arrow up and I started feeling really sick. I was at 250 and going up so I decided to manually give myself extra insulin over the next hour or two. I know I could have used the extended bolus feature, but I used to pretty good about guessing how much to dose out over an extended time...not so much anymore. I gave myself at least 2-2.5 extra units insulin, if not more, based on the #s I was getting and how I was feeling. Even still, it wasn't enough because I was in the 300s for at least a couple of hours and it was AWFUL. I really need to get some ketone strips. I felt dizzy, nauseated and felt like everything was just too hard...even just laying there on the couch. I was worried that it was taking too long to come down. My roommates and I were about to watch The Bachelor (yes, it's a roommate ritual), but I was so sick and so upset over my high #s, that I called my mom and started sobbing. I share a lot of things with my roommies, and they know all about the ups and downs of my diabetes, but I felt really alone in that moment and I didn't want them to be concerned about me. Instead, I walked into my room and called my mom and cried for a couple minutes. She asked what she could do, and I said "nothing. It's just tiring." Then I wiped my tears and went back in to watch the show, all the while keeping close tabs on my numbers.

Towards the end of the show, I was hovering in the 170s-180s according to my sensor, but the meter read 220 so I gave myself a correction and am now waiting for it to drop to a normal bedtime #. Sensor is showing 150s currently, so hopefully the # will be stabilized soon. Unfortunately I still feel terrible. I feel better than when I was in the 300s but I still feel sick to my stomach, like I might throw up at any time. Me and nausea do not mix well. I haven't vomited from sickness since I was around the age of 7...I am pretty sure my body decided it didn't like the act of throwing up and would not do it again. (I will admit I've thrown up a few times from drinking too much alcohol, but I have no desire to reach that point ever again.)

Part of my frustration is that I feel like I really don't understand my diabetes right now, and I know that I need to understand fat and protein better. There's just so much EFFORT involved all the time. And you have to keep putting forth the effort so you can understand it all better. You have to put effort into re-educating yourself. Sometimes I really wish that all the people closest to me could just carry it for a bit, just shoulder what currently feels like a burden, and then they could truly understand how hard it is and how much effort it takes every single moment of the day. Sigh.

perspective

Hearing about the earthquake in Japan and its effects has made me incredibly sad, but it has also made me feel grateful for what I have. It's not that I didn't feel grateful before, but I know that I've been very negative lately. I feel every little frustration x 10. I complain more. I bitch more. And whenever something goes wrong or I don't feel well, I focus on it and make it worse with my negative attitude. Yes, diabetes sucks. The thought of being in a natural disaster terrifies me even more so because I rely on insulin and technology to manage my health and survive.

My roommate and I started talking about all these natural disasters as of late, and then she asked me what my plan is if there was a natural disaster here. I don't like to think about it and she was actually freaking me out a bit, but it did force me to think about it, which I think is a good thing. It's easy to go about your life and be inside your little bubble you create for yourself. It can be difficult to comprehend life outside of that at times.

It also made me remember that I am in control of how I react to things. I can choose to be in a bad mood or I can choose to be in a good mood. Wouldn't my life be less stressful, less anxiety-filled if I remembered to breathe more and relax? I can choose to educate myself or I can stay stagnant. I can choose to be happy. I can choose to actually live my life instead of letting diabetes take control. I can start taking responsibility for my actions instead of acting like things are just "happening" to me and it's "unfair." That doesn't mean I won't have those down days or won't be sympathetic to people who are down, but I am tired of being tired. I'm tired of being in a bad mood, of letting diabetes take over my body, my mind, my feelings. It's time to take back that control and it's time to remember the things I AM grateful for.

I'm grateful for my family, for my friends, my boyfriend...all the GOOD people in my life who are my support system. I'm grateful to have a job, to have a decent income and insurance. I'm grateful that I have running water and a place to live. I'm grateful to be safe and secure. And it's about time I focus on these positives in my life instead of letting the negatives run the show.

I don't understand you!

I've been silently screaming this at diabetes all day.

I decided to eat oatmeal this morning because I haven't had it in a while and I can usually count on stable blood sugar levels 2 hours later. I bolused early and even ate my breakfast veeeery slowly while browsing blogs. I had woken up with a 90ish and noticed my BG went up about 20 points while showering. I used to bolus for lost time but I don't really do that anymore...should I? Does my body get slowly resistant in the morning and I need more insulin? So I check my BG before I get in the car to drive to work...250. I am HATING on spikes. I decided to wait it out because I had enough insulin in my system. Sure enough, within 2 hours, it came down to 125. I was happy about that, but I don't understand the huge spike. It makes me feel like I don't know what the eff I am doing.

Then, during the end of a meeting today, my sensor started vibrating. I look at my pump and it says "sensor end." They told me I could wear my sensor for up to 5-7 days if it was still accurate. Well, the last two times I've put in a new sensor it was because the sensor ended after exactly 3 days. My CDE told me to disconnect the sensor, connect it again, then see if it works. It wouldn't find it or reconnect to the old, so I had to choose "add new sensor" and of course then it has to warm up for a couple hours before it kicks in and gives a reading. Switching out the sensor doesn't bug me...it bugs me that I have to wait a couple hours for it to start again. I don't understand why it's ending after exactly 3 days...does it know the FDA rule or something?! They shouldn't always end after 3 days, right?! Is this just a fluke?

Dinner time at my parent's house was fun. My brother, sister-in-law and 1 year old nephew came over and it was great seeing them. I know everyone says this, but I really do have the best and cutest nephew in the world! He is such an awesome kid, and it's been so fun watching him grow up and learn new things. My sensor showed I was at 100ish and dropping so I waited to bolus, which may have been a mistake. I ended up going high a couple hours after dinner...and as I was driving home, it apparently started to go up quickly. All of a sudden it showed that I was in the high 200s with double arrows up...craaaap. I checked my # and it said 220. OK, not too terrible...I will just do a little bolus and check back. I felt a little funny half an hour later so I decided to test and the meter read 118. What?! I was half a second from pounding my cran-raspberry juice when the logical part of my brain kicked in and told me there is no possible way it dropped so much so soon. I decided to re-test and the re-test showed 278. Ummm, awesome. I love getting such a huge variance like that! Obviously my sensor had been right and I was rising fast. Bolus, bolus, bolus. An hour later and my # started to drop with 2 arrows down while I was in the shower, but now it shows a steady high and an arrow up. What?! I don't understand!

Good. Bad. Really good. Really bad. With diabetes, they always talk about the risks--possible health complications, etc. But, they don't mention that those numbers can bring you from a high to a low mood within seconds. I feel like I have been pumping my body with extra insulin for the last 2 hours and it doesn't seem to be doing a thing except keeping it from going even higher than it already is. I wouldn't say I'm in a bad mood, but I'm not in the cheeriest mood either. It frustrates me that the stuff I pay money for doesn't always work or isn't always accurate. It frustrates me that I can't figure out my highs. It frustrates me that one bad number can put me in a bad mood.

dinner plans

It's come to my attention recently that I still kind of eat like a college kid, especially when it comes to dinner. I'm not saying I eat ramen every night, but I don't put a lot of time or effort into my dinner. I take the time to make and eat a wholesome breakfast and lunch, but by the time dinner rolls around, I put together whatever is fast and convenient. I don't always eat a snack btwn lunch and dinner either, so sometimes I go 5 hours without eating and that really doesn't cut it for me. I used to eat big meals every few hours, but lately I feel like I need smaller, more frequent meals.

I find that when I don't have a plan and I'm tired and hungry, the last thing I want to do is put together a well-rounded dinner when I get home from work. The sad thing is I have tons of recipes saved--even recipes that claim to be quick and easy--so what's my deal? I just haven't had the energy lately. It seems easier to just make a sandwich wrap or mindlessly graze, which ends up being bad because I seem to no longer know how to give myself insulin when I do that. I seem to have no idea of how much fat or protein I consumed and what to do with my bolus. I'm not sure I even knew protein played a part until I read about it on a blog somewhere! The worst part is I feel guilty for being so lax about it and letting my blood sugars get into the 300s.

I feel guilty just writing that.

I know I need to start planning my dinners. I know this, but I don't do it! All I can do is take baby steps, I guess...maybe plan out dinner once or twice a week. I should mention that my parents live pretty close and I have dinner there at least once a week, and I know I will always eat well there...and the bonus is that I don't have to do anything! :) I also know that I need to start an elimination diet...and that will take even MORE planning. It's hard to put in the effort of planning when you have zero energy.