Monday, September 12, 2011

I'll admit it...I'm scared

Lately, within the last year or so, I've been scared of insulin. I know, it sounds weird. Insulin is what keeps me alive every day. Without insulin, I would be in poor shape and probably, not alive. I am so grateful for insulin, and somehow, I'm still scared of it.

If I knew how much insulin had been pumping through my body before I was in control of it, I would probably feel reassured.

The fact that I have the power of my pancreas overwhelms and scares me. Not all the time, but lately, a lot of the time. The thought of over-bolusing terrifies me. So much to the point where I have actually under-bolused a lot of times. Too many times to count.

I've had countless conversations with myself...I know I need more insulin for this extra snacking I am doing...I know that has more carbs than what I am inputting...but maybe it'll be okay. And then it's not okay. And then I kick myself, because I knew I should have given myself more insulin.

I don't like seeing so much insulin in my system. Seeing anything over 4 units scares me. It gives me a feeling of dread and worry...and I feel so much better when I see that number I have more control over what it does as it drops. The more insulin in my system, the less I feel in control. Like somehow, my insulin will rage out of control and make me drop low, and it'll be hard to combat it.

I also have a hard time with waiting for my blood sugar to be the number I want it to be--whether it's lower or higher. I know there's a delay...I know certain foods break down faster than others. I know that I should wait and not react so quickly. I see my my number drop fast and I think, I should eat a glucose tablet to ward off a low, when in reality, I just need to leave it alone. When I'm waiting for it to rise, I feel compelled to do finger pricks every 5 minutes, just to make sure it's coming back up. I lierally have to talk myself into not checking by saying things like, Val, I know you feel like shit right now, but it's going to be better in 10 minutes...just give it time.

I am not very patient and apparently, not very rational. I know I'm prone to anxiety, and so I wonder if that plays a part in how I handle my diabetes. I've gotten better at not constantly checking my number, but I am not better at not being scared.


  1. I get it. I am scared of it too. I think even my 8 year old daughter is a little scared of it too. Sometimes she will say, "Mom, why don't you only give my half of those carbs right now just in case I go low." Hugs to you!

  2. OMGosh I feel the same exact way. I'm always telling myself when I feel the insulin amount is too much that it will be alright.

    I hate giving Cara anything over 3 units. With the pump that is very rare now but when we were on shots we would bolus sometimes 6 units for breakfast. And that would freak me out!!

  3. I know exactly what you mean. I was injecting SO much at one point and I was always chasing highs and lows. I hate being dependent on anything...rarely even take pain relievers and yet, have to have the insulin. Really wish we did know how much our bodies would have naturally dosed!

  4. Oh I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I totally understand. A couple weeks ago Matthew hit the max bolus at breakfast. 10 units!! He was high to begin with, plus he needs a really low ratio in the morning. I was freaking out to give him just over 10 units.

    But....he needs what he needs. Doesn't make it any easier.

    Maybe when you're afraid to bolus the full amount, you could do an extended? That way you would have the power to cancel later if necessary.... Just a thought. : )

  5. I completely hear ya on this one Val! I always panic when I am giving Emma anything over 4 units...for some reason I always think she is going to just drop like a rock. I hate the inner arguments we deal with every day about can be exhausting. HUGS to you and I hope you have a great day!

  6. Its like you put together a post from the thoughts inside my brain. I'm right there with you!

  7. You took the words right out of my heart.

  8. I have alot of the same anxieties. Thanks for sharing.

  9. I'm missing your blog! Just wanted to pop in and say hi. Hope you're doing okay!

    1. Hi, Tracy! What a sweet note! I didn't mean to take such a long hiatus. Your comment made me smile -- thank you for thinking of me!

  10. Hi,

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