5 years later

I wish I had started this blog when I was first diagnosed five years ago. Then, I could go back to a time where this didn't seem so difficult. A time when I took my diagnosis on with gusto and did everything I could to be "healthy."

I saw a therapist a couple weeks ago, and she recommended I write a letter to my diabetes. She asked me if I had ever been angry about the whole thing, and I said in the beginning, no, but lately, yes. Maybe I pushed my feelings down 5 years ago, or maybe back then I just didn't want it to define me, so I did what I had to do to get my numbers in control.

Nowadays, I'm not doing so well. Am I in denial? Do I just not care as much? I feel apathetic to it lately, which scares me because it means I am putting my health at risk on purpose and for some reason, don't think it's a big deal. But it is a big deal, and deep down I know that. 5 years ago, I cried over the thought of not having milkshakes anymore. Now, I eat chocolate and cry over the fact that I am knowingly hurting my health.

Maybe I'm tired of testing my blood sugar. Maybe I'm tired of counting carbs and figuring out how much insulin I need. Maybe I'm tired of doing the work my pancreas should be doing. Maybe I'm just tired of having to be so in control all the time. People used to ask me if it was hard having diabetes, and I always told them it wasn't that big of a deal. That was when my numbers were in control and I took better care of myself. Now I am more willing to admit that it IS hard and it DOES suck. Sometimes I feel guilty because I think I should have a better attitude. But, to be fair, I never had a bad attitude about it for the first few years, so maybe now it's my time to be angry at it. Although really, I am angry at myself for losing the control I had.

I don't WANT to have to watch what I eat. I don't want to have to prepare for when I exercise. I don't want to quit my workout because my blood sugar is dropping. It's not fair that my pancreas is useless, and it's not fair that I feel sick so often. I want to be healthy, I want to have energy, I want to feel like I have a young body and a clear head.

It seems so easy, but it's not easy to be in charge of your health 24/7. It is EXHAUSTING. Emotionally and physically. It's overwhelming. It's scary. It's kept me up at night. It's caused nightmares. It's made me feel guilty and envious and terrible. It makes me worry. It makes me cry. And I'm really sick of IT bringing me down. I'm sick of thinking of it as an enemy. I'm sick of being sick.

There, all the negative feelings are out (sort of).