From low to high

I have this problem where when I'm low, I'm no longer satisfied with the "eat a certain amount of carbs and wait a certain amount of time" rule. I used to have no problem doing this, but after 5 years, I've come to dread the feeling that comes along with a low. You think I would be fine considering I've been in the low 30s while DRIVING. Yes, that was my fault, and yes, it was scary. And yes, I was too stubborn to pull over. I treated my low while driving, but it continued to drop anyway until I got to my cross street, waited the miserable minutes until I could cross, then sped up my street, parked, ran into my house, tossed back glucose tabs and told my roommate I was having an "emergency." Luckily, I came back up and was fine, but that moment of waiting...that FIFTEEN minutes of waiting feels like an eternity.

In that moment, I feel like death. Everything around me gets kind of fuzzy; the world is continuing to do its thing, but I am not a part of it. I can't think clearly. All I can think about is getting to some sugar. I stumble. I chug my juice. I gobble my tablets like I'm starving and that's the only thing around to eat. I sit and my mind goes into a foggy haze because I don't have the energy to stand or hold my head up or keep my eyes open. I don't have the energy to think or talk to people or be a part of the world that surrounds me. I'm in my own world and it sucks.

Because my #s have been higher this last year, my body has gotten used to the highs. It's comfortable there. It's used to waking up with a normal number, and it's used to fluctuating during the day. I don't want to believe it, but feel like this fluctuating is slowly killing me. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but it's definitely not a GOOD thing. My body is sensitive. I can feel when I'm slooooowly dropping, and I can feel when I start to rise. It's a constant reminder that every little thing I'm doing is somehow affecting my body--good or bad. And sometimes I really don't care because I'm tired. I don't have the mental energy to fight off diabetes and its constant attacks. I don't have the stamina to keep going every little minute of every day. But I worry that I'm doing damage. I worry about my future and my family's future. I'm 26 and not focused on getting married/having kids at this time, but I know I want it in the future, and I'm worried for when that time comes. I'm worried that I will be 90 and unable to take care of myself. I don't worry about this stuff every day, but it's the stuff that sort of subconsciously skips around my mind and presents itself when I am already down. It's easy to focus on the negative when you feel mentally and physically beaten.

Back to the lows. My lows now-a-days are like 60s and 70s. I even feel low at 90 sometimes when I've come down from a high #. That's one of the MOST irritating things. It's like, OK, I am back to normal now, I did my job to stabilize my blood sugar, can you back off now, diabetes? No, not even then! It starts tweaking out over the change. I know, I know, it's probably just a temporary thing. I keep telling myself that if I keep getting stable numbers and bring myself back into range, my body will get used to the "lows" that are really just "normal" #s. But feeling low is AWFUL, and it's hard to rationalize. It's hard to tell my mind to calm down because all I want to do is fix the feeling. I pay for it later when it goes high again, but somehow feeling instantly better is worth the high. Ha. I am lying to myself though...it's NOT worth it. The high feeling is horrible and it lasts longer than the low. It's a vicious cycle and I'm having a hard time getting out of it. I don't know how to tell myself, my mind, my body, that everything will be OK. These "lows" are "normal" and you will adjust. You don't have to be high, you don't have to feel crappy, you don't have to worry so much. You just need time to adjust. You need to be patient. You need to have more faith. You need to tell yourself that your body is strong and capable. Just because it's failed you multiple times does not mean it will fail you this time.

The cereal spike

I am finally coming to the realization that I have to do something different with my insulin when it comes to eating cereal. This morning, my sensor woke me up twice, alerting me to a low. My # was dropping, but steadily. I woke up to an 89 with an arrow down, so I ate a couple glucose tabs, lowered basal for a bit, then went back to sleep. Woke up a little later with a 90...success!

Put my basal back to the regular .70, and then decided to eat cereal and make a latte. The meal was around 53 carbs, so I bolused, then waited about 10 min to eat. I think I should have waited longer or maybe I need to change my ratio? Maybe I didn't need to lower my basal like that since I was planning on eating soon after waking up? Either way, I didn't do it right because it's an hour later and my sensor started showing double arrows up. 200 went to mid 200s, then to low 300s, then to mid 300s. As soon as I saw the double arrows, I checked my BG, and my reading was actually 20 pts higher than my sensor. OK, this means I need to take action. Insulin correction on its way! Still seems to be going up so I bolus a little more....sensor now reads 355 but only 1 arrow up. Ugh. I hate hate HATE going from being 80ish in the morning to over 300 in only a couple hours. It always feels like I'm doing so much damage to my body.

Cereal is a hard one for me...I generally eat a cereal with a lower carb amount, but it doesn't seem to matter....my BG spikes every time. I think I need to wait longer...maybe 20 minutes? I used to never wait for the insulin to kick in before a meal, but now I'm finding that waiting 15 minutes really helps even out my level as it rises.

It's funny how a success can turn into a failure real fast. I just have to not let it ruin my mood!

the love/hate relationship

I've been a little behind in the blogging world this last week, but I have to say that I appreciate everyone's comments! It's wonderful hearing that support and knowing there are others out there who truly understand the ups and downs of having diabetes.

OK, I'll admit it. It's a little too early to have a love/hate relationship with my CGM. I'm excited to be hooked up (literally, it is IN me) and I am not upset that I have to have another thing in my body 24/7, but I just don't know what to think of it yet. It has already failed, and it's been only TWO days. I'm not really sure what happened, but it predicted that I was going low with 1 arrow down and a 90 BG. I checked my # and meter read 130. I thought maybe something was wrong because I had turned down my basal and just ate a small snack, so it shouldn't be heading down...so I calibrated and shortly after, I got a calibration error. Say whaaaaaaaat?! I did what it told me to do, and then it went back to "warming up" mode, and then told me to "change sensor." I called my CDE and she told me that when I calibrated during a down arrow, it knew it wasn't on target and that may be a reason for why it failed. That seems weird to me! But now I have to change it after only 2 days and I am a little nervous about it. She helped me do it the first time, and it was mostly her doing it because I always feel so awkward with all the little steps. I was that way with my first pump change though and now it's like second nature, so I know it won't be a big deal...but I also don't SEE the needle going in me with a pump change. The needle with the CGM is a little intimidating!

I don't have too many thoughts on my CGM yet...I know that I need to give it time and it's mostly for trending, but I still don't know what to do with that info yet. Except for this reading today, it's been right when I was heading down or heading up, and knowing that has been a comfort and a relief. Sometimes the readings were within 5-20 points, and sometimes they were 40-60 points off. A couple times they were 100 points off! Sometimes the CGM showed me I was doing better than what my meter showed, and sometimes it showed me doing worse. I also wasn't sure if the calibrating was helping it figure things out. I know they said being within 20 pts is great, but it can be such a big difference! Being 40+ pts off was really frustrating, especially when it showed me a worse # than the BG test. If I want to see the up and down graph of my levels, I don't want to see a 180 on the graph when I'm really a 140. That's a big difference! However, I also remember reading that the sensor takes time to catch up to the actual BG reading. With all the high-tech stuff out there, I'm not sure why this hasn't been figured out yet. I know it only reaches your interstitial fluid and that's one reason for not being completely accurate. I guess it's just slightly disappointing and frustrating, even though I know it's used mostly for trending and spotting patterns. But if it's off 40+ points, what are you supposed to do with that?!

I am already missing it a bit though, now that I need to replace it with a new one. I like getting an idea of what's going on inside my body. Also, I'm slightly obsessed with it. I've been looking at it constantly! I find it really fascinating, even if it isn't always accurate. I'm hoping that the next sensor will go more smoothly and as time passes, I will know what to do with all this info. Also, I definitely need to brush up on my pumping skills. Meeting with my CDE made me realize there are certain features I wasn't taking advantage of, and I know I really should re-educate myself.

And yes, you do have to charge the transmitter. But it only takes about 10 minutes.

sometimes, you have to be a little pushy

When dealing with health issues or questions, you really have to put yourself out there and BUG people. If you want an answer, you shouldn't wait around--this is what having diabetes has taught me. My mom always tells me, "you really have to be your own advocate," and it's true. It's not necessarily that other people aren't capable or aren't going to get you the info you need, but I've found that you more often than not get your answers MUCH faster when you poke at people.

I get it. Doctors, nurses, other staff members, etc. are busy. They've got things going on and it's not that they aren't going to get back to you...they just might not get back to you as quickly as you'd like. You're not really their #1 priority, and that's okay. I'm not offended, but I am the #1 priority in my world when it comes to my health. I'm pretty impatient (except when it comes to small children and letting people vent), so I want my answers, and I want them ASAP. I strongly believe that if you want the results of whatever test you took, or if you have any kind of question, or if you just want to be reassured about something, you should give that person/company a call and poke, poke, poke.

For instance, I'm super excited because I got my CGM approved within a week! YAY! The lady I was in contact with told me she was surprised it went through so quickly because it can take up to 4-6 weeks. I received my shipment from Medtronic TODAY (I actually have no idea what's even in there yet) and I am so eager to get it going. She told me to wait for someone from Medtronic to call me and come train me. Well, I can't wait. So as soon as my dad called me and told me they had arrived (I shipped it to my parent's place because I'm at work and can't sign for it), I called Medtronic and told them I wasn't sure if I needed to wait for a call, even though that IS what I had been told. The lady was nice and gave me the name and # of the person who would train me, and then she transferred me to her line so I could leave her a message. I am really, really hoping she will call me today so we can make an appt. this weekend. I don't even know if they do weekend visits!

Anyhoo.

I guess the point of this post isn't to point out my impatience, but to point out that you really need to take a stand for yourself and be your own advocate. If you're not happy with your endo, search around for another one that is better suited to your needs. If you don't want to wait more than a day for your test results, call back the next morning. If you want that appointment or second opinion, call, be pushy, do whatever you have to do so that your health and wellbeing come first. Lesson of the day: Diabetes can make you more ballsy, and, that's a GOOD thing.

Leting go and moving on

One thing about having diabetes is that it's a constant work-in-progress. There's no time off from it. Once you've got it figured out, it can switch its entire game and leave you with a "wtf" feeling. It takes constant energy and effort to figure out what's so different about this time. Why am I low? Why am I high? Why am I STILL high? Why is today different?

One thing I've had a hard time with is what I'll call "denial". Not denial in the sense that I'm in denial over having diabetes--no, I'm in denial when I have to make changes, like tweaking my basal rate or bolus ratios. I get frustrated when I have to work harder at keeping myself healthy. And lately, things seem so hard. I know I worked my butt off to bring my a1c down after diagnosis, and I did. I succeeded. I "beat" diabetes. Over time, I brought it down to under 6%. But now, it's creeping up. I'm not as good at guessing or making estimates about how much insulin to give myself. Deep down, I know that really I am not trying as hard. I'm being a little too lax with it all. I'm letting that # creep back up (now at 8%), and I know that I need to work twice as hard now to bring it back down.

But sometimes, I don't want to work at it. I don't want to try. I don't want to put in the time and energy. I don't want to increase my basal or figure out different carb ratios depending on what time of the day it is. For the longest time, I had my basal set around 55, and I was in denial when I realized I would have to increase it to 60. I was in denial when I had to increase it to 65, and then 70. I know part of the reason for that higher basal is I have a sit-down job and I haven't been working out like I used to, so my body needs more insulin during the day. I know that. But I don't want to. Once I've figured something out or have it down, I don't want to have to re-figure it out. You would think that once you solve the problem, it would remain solved and you wouldn't need to worry about it anymore. Not true with diabetes. There are multiple solutions, and it can vary on any given day. And maybe sometimes, there is no solution at that moment...there is no "right" answer, and that's the hardest one to accept.

10 times

That's how many times a day I've been poking my sweet little fingers. OK, it's not always that many, but more often than not, it is. In the very beginning, I used to test 4-5 times a day. Once I incorporated workouts into my daily routine, it was more like 7. Now, as I've had a harder time managing my levels, it's been closer to 10. Sometimes it's even more than that because I can't tell the difference btwn having low blood pressure and low blood sugar. I know I am obsessing somewhat, but I'd rather be reassured!

Having enough test strips is like having enough water, or having enough food. I never used to run out of any of my diabetic supplies, but the last few months, I've been running out of test strips. I had to ask my endo to up my prescription so that I could get more...and even that wasn't enough! I had to ask a relative with type 2 for any extras; she always gives me several boxes when I ask, but I feel bad asking for them too often. I have enough for now, but I'm worried I won't make it to my next shipment. In fact, I know I won't at the rate I am going!

I hate the thought of not being sure if I'll have enough. I want to have enough of everything I need to manage my levels. Also, it's been almost a week since I sent in my paperwork for a CGM. Medtronic told me they weren't sure how long it would take, but I am hoping it doesn't take more than 2 weeks. I'm starting to get antsy!

Yippee!

It's funny how excited I am at the thought of getting new "toys." By "toys" I mean an upgraded insulin pump and CGM sensors. It's sort of like getting the latest technology...except this is not for my entertainment! Maybe excited isn't the right word, but I am eager for tools that will help me to better manage my diabetes. I know I am for sure getting the insulin pump upgrade, but I don't know about the sensors yet, so I don't want to get my hopes up about that. I know my endo said I should be fine, so let's hope I don't need a doctor's note.

I am also a little antsy because my new pump is also a new color. I've had the standard black color for 3 years now...it'll be odd to have something different. For those who don't know, I tend to keep my pump hidden in my bra since my pants are tight and the pockets do not have much give. This way, there's no bulge in my pocket and it's easier to hide the wire. I've noticed that I can't exactly keep the pump in my bra when wearing a white tanktop because the black usually shows through...I usually have to double up the tanktops, but I still get a little self-conscious about it. I know it's not a big deal, but it's another (small) reminder that I have to make some adjustments due to diabetes. I didn't think of this at the time of getting my pump, but now that I have a chance to get a new color with the upgrade, I decided to go with the clear color. Hopefully I am not disappointed, seeing as how I will be stuck with it for years! I know it seems a little vain, but this is something that's attached to you 24/7/365, so in my mind, I better like every little thing about it. Also, it'll cost a few hundred dollars, so it better be worth the cost!