Leting go and moving on

One thing about having diabetes is that it's a constant work-in-progress. There's no time off from it. Once you've got it figured out, it can switch its entire game and leave you with a "wtf" feeling. It takes constant energy and effort to figure out what's so different about this time. Why am I low? Why am I high? Why am I STILL high? Why is today different?

One thing I've had a hard time with is what I'll call "denial". Not denial in the sense that I'm in denial over having diabetes--no, I'm in denial when I have to make changes, like tweaking my basal rate or bolus ratios. I get frustrated when I have to work harder at keeping myself healthy. And lately, things seem so hard. I know I worked my butt off to bring my a1c down after diagnosis, and I did. I succeeded. I "beat" diabetes. Over time, I brought it down to under 6%. But now, it's creeping up. I'm not as good at guessing or making estimates about how much insulin to give myself. Deep down, I know that really I am not trying as hard. I'm being a little too lax with it all. I'm letting that # creep back up (now at 8%), and I know that I need to work twice as hard now to bring it back down.

But sometimes, I don't want to work at it. I don't want to try. I don't want to put in the time and energy. I don't want to increase my basal or figure out different carb ratios depending on what time of the day it is. For the longest time, I had my basal set around 55, and I was in denial when I realized I would have to increase it to 60. I was in denial when I had to increase it to 65, and then 70. I know part of the reason for that higher basal is I have a sit-down job and I haven't been working out like I used to, so my body needs more insulin during the day. I know that. But I don't want to. Once I've figured something out or have it down, I don't want to have to re-figure it out. You would think that once you solve the problem, it would remain solved and you wouldn't need to worry about it anymore. Not true with diabetes. There are multiple solutions, and it can vary on any given day. And maybe sometimes, there is no solution at that moment...there is no "right" answer, and that's the hardest one to accept.