Envy

When I was younger, I was never really jealous of other people. I got good grades, played sports, had a good group of friends and had high self-esteem. One thing I've noticed about diabetes is that it has made me more envious of non-diabetics. When I was newly diagnosed, I started paying more attention to what other people ate. Before having D, I knew how to eat healthy, but I had never paid close attention to carbs, protein, fat, etc. I was never a carb counter because I didn't have to be. But after my diagnosis, I couldn't help but notice what other people ate. I couldn't help but judge them a little. And I couldn't help but be envious that they didn't have to worry.

They didn't have to worry about everything they put in their mouths. They didn't have to think about when they last ate and when they would eat again. They could exercise for as long as they wanted and never cut a workout short because their blood sugar was dropping. They didn't have to get up in the middle of the night, feel panicked over their blood sugar reading, and stand in the kitchen alone drinking orange juice, hands shaking and afraid to fall back asleep.

They never have to think about how what they're doing and how it affects their blood sugar levels. THEIR pancreas does the tweaking for them--if they've been sitting around all day, moving a lot, walking, running, standing, etc.,--THEIR pancreas knows what to do. There is no guessing game. They don't have to wonder what their stress levels are doing to their blood sugar. When they're sick with a flu or cold or fever, they don't have to keep tabs on their sugar.

They don't have to be dependent on a glucose monitor or insulin pump. They don't have to worry about having enough supplies to keep managing their health. They don't have to worry that if there's a major catastrophe, they would be the ones less likely to survive. They don't have to worry about making sure they are healthy enough to have a baby. (Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of health complications that can arise with having a baby, whether you are diabetic or not, but if you are diabetic, you have to be in even tighter control when pregnant. You can't give in to those cravings...you don't have a free pass to eat whatever you want. You have to be take care of yourself 24/7 so you and your baby aren't at risk.)

Mostly, the envy I feel is the fact that I don't have the same kind of freedom or flexibility in my life. I have to prepare for things, like working out. I have to keep on top of my health 24/7. I have to constantly think about every little thing I'm doing and how it affects my blood sugar. I HAVE to have insurance--I can't just go without it and hope that I won't get sick or get in some accident. I need it. I can't just quit my job and travel around the world. I have to plan. I have to prepare. I have to be in control.