Diabetes Resolutions

Holy crap, you guys. IT'S A NEW YEAR! I did not blog much last year...or the year before that...or the year before that. I used to blog a lot and read all of your wonderful blogs, but then I just got tired. I got tired of diabetes taking up so much space in my life...ya know?

But I'm starting to get back into it. I've joined a couple Facebook groups and am participating in discussions. I went back on my t:slim pump after a long break. I'm even considering CGMs again. And I've realized that there are things, new things, that I've been missing out on. Like really cool technology. And let's face it, doing just enough to get by...well it isn't enough. I could be doing much better at this whole diabetes thing. My A1c has been hovering between 6.7 and 6.9, and sure—that's okay—but it's not as great as it could be.

And January is a good time for getting back on track. Especially after the months of October, November, and December. I don't know about you guys, but those are the months where things start to slip for me. It starts with Halloween candy. And that mentality of "I never/hardly eat this yummy, delicious thing, so I can have one or two or three or ten pieces." And then you do more of the eating. And more of the justifying. Until you realize that you're eating crappy, sugary food every single day.

Now maybe you think you can eat whatever you want because you have an insulin pump. But that's now how I operate. Regardless of blood sugars, my body doesn't feel good when I do that. And I don't want to keep correcting. That's not the right approach—at least not for me.

So, it starts with the Halloween candy...and then Thanksgiving...and then it's like you have an endless supply of candy, cookies, cake, and other desserts in your house ALL THE TIME. You don't even know where it came from! It's just there.

I'm not saying to follow a rigid diet and not treat yourself. But if there's a lot of chocolate and baked goods around, I'm going to have a hard time not cramming them all into my mouth. And when I start the cycle of allowing and justifying foods I don't normally eat, then I slip in other ways, too. Like I start eyeballing my snacks and eating chips out of the bag without really counting them. All of this adds up. And it's really easy to let it all get out of control before you even know what's happening.

It's a slippery slope. At least for me.

So this month, I resolve to get back on track. And to keep track. I'll eat healthier and plan more meals. I'll pay attention to what I'm putting into my system and how it makes me feel. I'll be more involved with my diabetes care. And I'll practice more self-care.

What are your diabetes resolutions this year?

Diabetes and stubbornness don't mix

I can be really stubborn when it comes to certain aspects of my diabetes. For example, I use "expired" insulin because I think it works just fine.

However, sometimes that stubbornness can get in the way. Like when I insisted that I could use Apidra in my t:Slim insulin pump, even though I knew it wasn't FDA-approved for it. Insulin is insulin, or so I thought. Plus I used Apidra in my Medtronic pump, so I didn't think it would be an issue.

Every time I got back on my t:Slim, though, I would have issues. Especially by the 3rd day. I would have higher than normal numbers. I would have more occlusion alarms. I knew something wasn't working right, but I ignored it. I would chalk it up to the pump being difficult. Or I chalked it up to me doing something wrong.

But I wasn't doing anything wrong. When you have numbers in the 300s and they don't come down all day even though you continue to bolus and not eat anything, then it's very likely that you're not the problem. Being over 300 for hours is not my usual, but when you've had high numbers for hours or days, you feel defeated—even when it technically isn't your fault. (I mean, yes, I should have taken a shot to correct the high once I realized my number wasn't coming down, but this is where the stubbornness kicks in and stops you.)

When something doesn't feel right or when something hasn't been working right for a long time, though, don't ignore your instincts. It will not get better unless you pay attention to the problem and make a change. I guess this is true with anything in life, right?

So, I finally decided to look into WHY Apidra wasn't good for this pump. I joined the t:Slim group on Facebook, and posted about it. Within minutes, I got tons of responses, and learned some things I had never heard before. Yes, I had been told before that Apidra wasn't tested with this pump, but I didn't know why. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet and social media, I now knew why.

Apparently, Apidra reacts differently in the pump, and tends to gel or crystallize over time. This makes sense considering it usually works fine within the first day or two, and then by the third day, shit hits the fan.

Now, I could have done this months ago, but I didn't because my stubbornness had stopped me. I didn't want to believe that Apidra was the issue, so I stuck it out and kept trying to make it work. However, just like a bad relationship, this never ever makes it better. Once I finally reached my frustration point where I just couldn't take it anymore, I sought answers. I sought out the diabetes community. I sought out help and I got the support I needed.

Sometimes that's all it takes. Because we can't struggle on our own all the time. It's too hard. So, let go of your stubbornness and ask for help. Be open to what others have to say. Let go of what you thought you knew. Embrace change. You might be surprised at what you find along the way.

The switchup: from shots to pump

I've had type 1 for 9 years now. I was on shots for one year. On the Medtronic pump for 5 years. And then in the last three years, I've switched back and forth between my new pump (the Tandem t:slim) and shots. Both solutions—insulin pump and pens—have their pros and cons. When all is said and done, you just have to do what's right for you.

During the summer, I switch to shots. It's hot outside. I'm usually wearing less clothing. And I don't want to deal with my pump. However, it's also annoying to give yourself a shot of insulin when you're wearing a dress. Then again, have you ever tried to reach up or down your dress to access your pump? Awkward.

Like I said, both solutions have their good things and their not so good things. No one solution is perfect.

Now summer is over and fall is well on its way. And with that change of seasons comes the switchup. As of yesterday, I'm back on my t:slim pump. In my personal experience, getting back into the right rhythm of pump life is difficult.

I don't know about you guys, but when I go back to the pump, I'm high all day and then, BAM, I drop low. You think I wouldn't be high at all since I'm overlapping my basal rate from the pump with my shot of lantus, but this isn't the case for me. So, despite increasing my basal rate and giving myself a correction, I stayed high for hours. And then it hit me. At 9pm, I dropped way low. 39 low. The bad kind of low where you're sitting on the kitchen floor, staring off into space after chugging 37g of orange juice and waiting to come back to life.

My boyfriend asked if 37g was too much, and I said at that point, I needed it. I came back up to a normal rate, ate dinner and bolused for it, and then...dun dun dun...I dropped low again. This time in the 50s. I had a hard time getting that low back up. I thought I had finally gotten it right, but I woke up in the middle of the night to a high of 240. I corrected, fell asleep. Woke up. Still high. Corrected. Back to sleep. By morning, I was at 78. Ta-da.

But today is a new day of challenges. I haven't eaten in 5 hours because I've been battling a high that won't come down. And I also don't want a repeat of yesterday's low.

No matter how long you've had diabetes, you will never have it all figured out. There will be plenty of moments where you feel like you've got this down, and then there will be plenty of moments where you wonder what the hell you're doing wrong. This is one of my "what the hell am I dong wrong" moments.

Sometimes it feels like a long, aggravating, and exhausting battle. You do what you can, and when the numbers don't reflect your hard work, it's disappointing. It leaves you feeling like shit. And it's okay to feel sad and mad, but pitying yourself for too long isn't going to change anything. So you tell yourself what you have to tell yourself in order to move on. Tomorrow is a new day. You'll figure it out soon. It'll be better the next time.

In the meantime, I'll keep adjusting.

I don't need you judging my diabetes

It's really easy for people who don't have diabetes to judge others who do have it.

Should you be eating that?

Why did you let your blood sugar get so high?

Your blood sugar is low...again?

You forgot your insulin? How can you forget?

Someone who has diabetes doesn't say these things to another person with diabetes. Only people who have regular-functioning organs say things like this because they haven't been in the position where they have to take responsibility for what their body just does for them normally.

Let me tell ya something. It's not always easy to "control" diabetes. And it's very easy to forget to give yourself insulin before eating a meal, no matter how long you've been injecting or pumping. It's like forgetting anything else...your keys, your phone, that appointment you had. Sure, it's more serious than those things, but I am human, which means I make mistakes. I forget to do things. I can't be perfect.

So, before you judge a person with diabetes or tell them what they should be doing, remember that they probably already considered whatever it is you're about to tell them. They've already felt bad about that high blood sugar. And judged themselves for forgetting their insulin. You telling them that "if they just follow a healthy diet and take their medications, then everything will be fine" is not actually going to be helpful.

Now, if you're in a position where you're helping to care for someone with diabetes because they're not taking care of themselves, then it's a different ball game. I've never been in that position and I can't speak to that. I can only speak about what I know.

And what I know is this. This morning, my blood sugar was 74. I remembered thinking I could give myself less insulin or just give myself a dosage after I eat. Well, by the time I was done making my breakfast and eating it, I completely forgot about this conversation I had with myself. It wasn't until a couple hours later that I remembered I hadn't given myself any insulin. I had one egg, three pieces of turkey bacon, coffee, and one piece of wheat toast with a bit of jelly. My reading was 224. Instead of getting upset with myself, I gave myself insulin, and went about my day. Because sometimes that's all we can do. And sometimes, it's all we should do.

Diabetes: the Silent Disease

How many times have you tried to hide your diabetes? Smile and fake laugh when someone makes a diabetes-related joke? Avoid a chance to educate someone about it?

Hiding it doesn't make it better. Being silent doesn't make you strong.

These are the two things I'm constantly learning as a person with diabetes. When I was diagnosed, I cried. But after getting over the initial shock of it, I took it on like it was no big deal. I didn't want it to get the best of me. I didn't want it to affect me. Anytime I poked myself with a needle or mentally counted carbs or took a sugar break, I adopted the attitude of, "It's no big deal, guys. I'm fine. Don't look at me. Go on with things like you normally would! EVERYTHING IS NORMAL AND NOTHING IS DIFFERENT."

But as people with diabetes, we know that's not true. Nothing is normal. Everything is different.

It's going to affect us. Sometimes for the better (hello, better eating habits and a stronger commitment to my health) and sometimes it's for the worse (hello, anxiety about low blood sugar and stressing over high ones).

But hiding it and pretending that everything is normal is not the best approach—for you or for anyone else. I can't tell you how many times (in the last 9 years of having T1D) people have found out that I have type 1 diabetes and they say things like "but you're so skinny" or "well, you look really healthy." Newsflash, people who just don't know. I may look fine on the outside, but that doesn't mean I am okay on the inside.

I may go to the gym, but that doesn't stop the high blood sugars that make me feel lethargic and crappy. I may make better food choices but that doesn't stop the lows that lead to shaky hands and back sweat. I can make all the healthy choices I want, and diabetes can still rage on.

But the more you pretend it's okay, the more people will remain uneducated about diabetes and think it's okay to lecture you on food choices or make dumb jokes. When you hide it, you're perpetuating the idea that diabetes is something that needs to be hidden—as if it's a weakness or something to be ashamed of.

Don't hide in the bathroom when you have to give yourself a shot. Don't stay silent when someone makes an untrue or hurtful comment. Don't pretend it's okay when it's not. The only way to change peoples' perceptions about something is to speak up.

Pushing your limits

People with type 1 diabetes have to push through many different types of challenges. One of those challenges is knowing when to push yourself and when to not push yourself. This is one challenge that I struggle with quite often. 

I wasn't diagnosed until 21, so I can remember what life was like before diabetes. I grew up living a fairly active lifestyle. I played sports growing up and I went to the gym regularly as an adult. Because I was diagnosed in my 20s, I have always been the number one person in charge of my diabetes and overall health. My parents were there as a support system, of course, but it has always been up to me to know the ins and outs of how my diabetes works. I say "my" diabetes because—like many chronic conditions—diabetes varies for everyone.

A couple months ago, I started going to a weight lifting class at my gym. A friend of mine kept talking about how great it was, so I decided I needed to get back into the groove of going to classes. I'm also constantly working on ways to challenge myself because trying new things and pushing myself outside of my regular routine can be scary. 

The point of weight lifting is to build strength, to push yourself, to fatigue your muscles so you can get stronger. It's very different from a cardio workout, which often makes my blood sugar drop quickly. For me, a cardio workout means I need to test my blood sugar every 20 minutes or so. Now, you might not do this, but I do it because I know how my diabetes works, and I want to be extra safe when I'm at the gym. 

But when I'm in a strength-building class, my blood sugar stays pretty much the same (or drops very little). Because of this, I feel less anxious about what my blood sugar is doing during my workout. I often go through the one-hour workout without checking. But the challenge here is knowing how to read the signs, which can be tricky with diabetes. 

A low blood sugar can leave me feeling spacey, tired, weak, shaky. And these are the very things that can happen during my weight lifting class! I never leave a class without my arms and legs feeling wobbly. So, I often debate with myself during the class about whether it's a low blood sugar or if I'm just feeling what I am supposed to be feeling during an intense workout. The key for me is whether or not I feel spacey. It's hard to explain, but there are little (personal) things that can help you distinguish. However, there are times where you can't feel your lows, so I believe that when in doubt, test, test, test. Once I know my number, I know how to proceed—whether it's knocking back some sugar or continuing my workout knowing that it's safe for me to keep going. To keep pushing myself. 

There are times, though, where I don't want to check my blood sugar and I just want keep going like the all the other people in the class. I don't want to feel different. I don't want any weird looks. I don't want others to slow down because of me. I want everything to keep going on as it normally would. Keep on going, I think. I can keep up!  

But my life isn't the same. Diabetes has forced me into a new way of living and reacting. And sometimes I need to slow down and stop because of it. I need to listen to what my body is telling me and know when to stop pushing myself. And that doesn't make me a weak or less capable person. Being okay with this is my challenge. 

What Diabetes Means to Me

I've been thinking a lot lately about what diabetes means. Like anything in life, it means something different for everyone. Some of us have type 1. Some have type 2. Others don't have it but know someone who does. And then there are those who know nothing about it, but feel like they should comment on it anyway.

So, here's a little list of what diabetes means...to me.

1. Testing my blood sugar anywhere from 5 to 10 times a day. This means poking my fingers over and over again. With it comes the waiting and the analyzing. Why is it high? Why is it low? Oh, it's normal—yay me.

2. Yes, I actually congratulate myself on my blood sugar. That's what happens when you take over the work of your organ. But this can also mean I get frustrated or blame myself for the "bad" numbers.

2. I favor fingers without thinking about it—until I look at them closely and realize the sides are calloused or have little black dots from all the pokes.

3. Waking up in the middle of the night and having my first thought be, "you should test your blood sugar." Sometimes it's normal. Sometimes it's not.

4. I carry some form of sugar with me at all times—just in case. Even the thought of not having enough glucose tabs or forgetting to grab my juice can make me feel panicked. Having sugar around is like having a security blanket.

5. Constantly reminding myself that it's going to be okay. This is especially true for when my blood sugar is low. "You've had lots of lows. Remember that time your blood sugar was 30? It's only 50 now. That's not so bad. Your glucose tabs worked then, and they'll work now. You'll feel better soon."

6. If I'm alone when my blood sugar is low, sometimes I call my parents. It goes back to feeling reassured—that someone who loves you will take care of you if you can't take care of yourself.

7. The fear of passing out. I've never passed out and hope I never do.

8. I have it pretty good considering how much things have advanced since diabetes was first diagnosed. Sure, things aren't perfect. Insulin is not a cure. But things have come a long way, and I'm grateful for that.

9. I should be more prepared. Every time I hear of a natural disaster or really anything that could be considered a crisis, I think about how I should really have all my diabetes stuff in one place, preferably within a bag that I could easily grab.

10. Sometimes I have to take breaks and ask for help. This is something I'm much better at. For the longest time, I didn't want to be viewed as different. I didn't want anyone to think I couldn't handle something. Now I have to face the fact that I can handle it—I just may need a little break to drink some juice or take some insulin.

11. I pay attention to everything I eat and do. It's not all about sugar, people. It's carbs. It's fiber. It's fat. It's protein. All of those things affect your blood sugar. Same goes for sitting, walking, or running. Being stressed. Being sick. Being on your period. The weather. Taking a hot shower after taking insulin.

12. I think about diabetes a lot. But, I also DON'T think about it a lot. It's hard to explain. A lot of diabetes is second nature. I've been doing this thing for 8 years now. I'm pretty used to it. But because I pay attention to every little thing, and because it's always THERE, that means I'm always taking it into consideration.

13. It's not funny. I'm okay with the half robot jokes. I allow people I know well to make what I will call sarcastic jokes about the diabetes-sugar correlation. But really, I'm tired of that whole joke. There aren't many chronic illnesses out there that get made fun of quite like diabetes (correct me if I'm wrong).

14. Worrying whether anyone else in my family will be affected one day. This includes my future children that I may or may not have. Still on the fence about that one.

15. My life is automatically harder, but it doesn't mean that it's worse. Sure, diabetes can be a difficult diagnosis. There's fear, there's paranoia, there's guilt, there's denial. It's with you all the time. It affects everything and everything affects it. But that doesn't mean everything has to go downhill because of it.

There are so many more things I could get into, but I will leave it at that—a glimpse into the life of a person with diabetes.

Major League Soccer & the JDRF

Hey peeps,

I don't know if you're into Major League Soccer, but your MIGHT be into the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF). This year, Vancouver BC's Community MVP for MLS W.O.R.K.S. is Bobby Samra. He's a really good guy who does great things in his community. If he wins, he'll get $10,000 to donate to the charity of his choice. His charity is JDRF.  A few years ago, Bobby's son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. A lot of us here know first-hand what it's like to get that diagnosis. And a lot of us know how it affects the people who love us. The JDRF has done a lot for Bobby's family, and now he wants to give back to the charity that has done so much for him and his son.

Now, NORMALLY I would not be voting against my own team (The Timbers!), but voting ends at 2pm PST, and at this point, it's a very, very close race against a Cascadia team (The Whitecaps) and Montreal Impact.

You may love soccer or you may not know anything about soccer. Either way, a vote for Bobby means a vote for the JDRF. If you want to see $10,000 go to the JDRF, please visit this link:

http://www.mlssoccer.com/mlsworks/community-mvp/vote

Click on Bobby Samra's name and VOTE! You can vote an unlimited amount of times.

Will You Hold onto My Diabetes...Just for a Bit?

I started this blog because it was extremely therapeutic to post about my d-life. And it helped to "meet" other people who were going through similar experiences and emotions. But then, I decided to stop all of it. I didn't write. I didn't read. But I wondered about what was going on with all of you. And maybe you wondered if I was okay. And I am--okay, that is.

It just became too much. Too overwhelming. I needed a break. But as you already know--you never get a real break from diabetes. Even if you've got a good handle on it, it's still always there.

When I was first diagnosed, I started out with a pretty great attitude about the whole thing. This came after crying in the doctor's office about how I couldn't have milkshakes anymore, of course. (And yes, I know I can still technically have milkshakes, but I also hate the whole mentality of, "I can eat ANYTHING with insulin on my side!)

Anyway. I tackled that whole diabetes thing. I cut a lot of things out of my diet. I learned a lot about nutrition and carb counting. I learned that being low doesn't mean I get to eat a kit-kat bar. I learned how to use a glucose meter and prick my fingers without hesitation. I learned to say things like, "It's really not that big of a deal" or "You could do it if you had to." I learned to NOT say things like, "Fuck you. I'll eat this if I want to, jerk."

I took a break from my insulin pump because I was tired of hiding the thing in my bra. I was tired of feeling it there, always attached. I was tired of inserting the CGM and having one more thing to stress over and obsess about. I was tired of the beeping and the vibrating and the constant mental calculations.

I've been on shots for a year and I've been doing pretty well (hello, 6.7% A1C). But doing pretty well isn't enough. For the last year, I haven't really learned anything new about managing type 1 diabetes. I've just been plugging along. I've been taking care of myself, sure, but I've also been complacent.

More recently, I went to the diabetes expo in Portland. As weird as it sounds, it re-energized me to learn more about diabetes and the products and tools available for me. I realized that while I was taking a break, I was also scooting diabetes under the rug or shooing it into another room.

For the most part, I pretend my diabetes doesn't exist. I look down and don't say anything when people who don't know me make diabetes jokes (would you joke about any other chronic illness, you assholes?). I give myself shots under tables. I never explain why I can't eat just yet or why I don't want a free company lunch that involves lots and lots of carbs. I live with it every day, but I don't let others live it with me. I don't let them see it because I'm afraid I will turn into the kind of person I don't want to be--the person who thinks, WOE IS ME. I HAVE DIABETES, WAHHHH.

To be honest, I feel that way more than I probably should. And maybe that's because I haven't been exposing that side of me. So maybe it's time for me to get back in the game. Share my ups & downs and read about yours. And maybe by doing that I can be a little bit stronger.

Where did that last year go?

It's been over a year since I've blogged. What? Is that true? I guess so! I didn't mean to take such a long hiatus, but I did. I hope no one thought I was dead...

A lot has happened since my last post. I'll skip through last winter and just go straight to this year.

I broke up with my boyfriend in April. Not an easy decision, but the right decision.

I quit my job in April and started a new job in May. Technically, I'd been working for my "new" company since March, but I was still working full-time at my old job. I was essentially working 60 hours a week for a little over a month.

I went back to shots in May. I decided I wanted to be free of the pump during summer. However, it's fall now and I haven't gone back to the pump. I will eventually, but it's been somewhat of a relief to not have it on me 24/7. I feel like I worry less--or have one less thing to fiddle with constantly.

My A1C is at 6.9%. It's dropped a little, but my ideal would be 6.5 It's been LESS THAN 6.5 before, so I know it's possible. I've been "better," but still a little lazy with getting my a1c down.

I wasn't looking for a new relationship, but then I met someone awesome. And Canadian. "They" say things happen when you're not looking for them. I'm not sure I actually believe that, but in this case, it's true. I didn't want a relationship. Especially not a long-distance relationship. But then I ended up with one. It was just too good to pass up.

I work all the time. Or that's how it feels. I tend to work over 40 hours a week. I love my company and the people I work with, so I don't mind the long hours or sometimes late nights.

I still wrestle with thoughts, like "I want to eat this whole bag of chips." "Or have 2 pieces of cake." I hate to think of being "different" or saying my life is different than your "normal" life. But it is. And I still battle with that at times--the "before diabetes" me and the "after diabetes" me. I'm not sure that will ever truly go away.

I turned 28. I don't feel 28. And apparently I don't look 28. No one believes me when I say how old I am, so I guess this is the age where I can safely start lying about my age. So, hello, I'm Val, and I'm 22 years old.

I'll admit it...I'm scared

Lately, within the last year or so, I've been scared of insulin. I know, it sounds weird. Insulin is what keeps me alive every day. Without insulin, I would be in poor shape and probably, not alive. I am so grateful for insulin, and somehow, I'm still scared of it.

If I knew how much insulin had been pumping through my body before I was in control of it, I would probably feel reassured.

The fact that I have the power of my pancreas overwhelms and scares me. Not all the time, but lately, a lot of the time. The thought of over-bolusing terrifies me. So much to the point where I have actually under-bolused a lot of times. Too many times to count.

I've had countless conversations with myself...I know I need more insulin for this extra snacking I am doing...I know that has more carbs than what I am inputting...but maybe it'll be okay. And then it's not okay. And then I kick myself, because I knew I should have given myself more insulin.

I don't like seeing so much insulin in my system. Seeing anything over 4 units scares me. It gives me a feeling of dread and worry...and I feel so much better when I see that number dropping...like I have more control over what it does as it drops. The more insulin in my system, the less I feel in control. Like somehow, my insulin will rage out of control and make me drop low, and it'll be hard to combat it.

I also have a hard time with waiting for my blood sugar to be the number I want it to be--whether it's lower or higher. I know there's a delay...I know certain foods break down faster than others. I know that I should wait and not react so quickly. I see my my number drop fast and I think, I should eat a glucose tablet to ward off a low, when in reality, I just need to leave it alone. When I'm waiting for it to rise, I feel compelled to do finger pricks every 5 minutes, just to make sure it's coming back up. I lierally have to talk myself into not checking by saying things like, Val, I know you feel like shit right now, but it's going to be better in 10 minutes...just give it time.

I am not very patient and apparently, not very rational. I know I'm prone to anxiety, and so I wonder if that plays a part in how I handle my diabetes. I've gotten better at not constantly checking my number, but I am not better at not being scared.

Oh, hello!

It's been a while! No real reason for my blog vacation...I just sort of stopped for a while, but I have been reading YOUR wonderful blogs here and there.

I saw my endo today and my a1c is down 0.2% from 7.4 to 7.2. Not stellar, but I will still celebrate any drop--big or small! A couple years ago or less, I was closer to 6%. I try not to beat myself up too much for letting it climb back up to 8(ish)% and just focus on the fact I'm bringing it back down, slowly but surely. My endo asked me to test my ratios for breakfast, lunch and dinner, which means eating a known amount of carbs for each meal. I think I'd probably get better results with even sticking to the same meal(s) for a couple days. I don't know why I find it so hard sometimes to do these tests to make sure my ratios are right!

I also discussed with my endo how sensitive my blood sugar is to exercise--even just a 15 minute walk makes it drop! I'm dog-sitting right now and Jake, the dog, needs to be walked 2 times a day, which means I've getting at least a 20 minute walk in every day. That doesn't sound like much, but for me it is! It also feels weird to type that since I used to be an exercise fiend. Small steps, I guess.

the ups & downs

The one thing we all strive for is stable levels. Most people, I think, like some kind of stability in their lives. When things are up and down and every which way, we tend to feel less in control. We tend to feel less stable.

On that note, my D has not been very stable this last week.

Apparently, I missed my endo appt. Apparently it was scheduled for July 29th. I'm not going to blame it on this, but I always get a call from my endo's office. I have never been late to or missed an appt with them. You think that if they had the time to call me later that day, after the appt., they had time to call me once they saw I was running late. I know they are not responsible for me, but still.

My conversation with the receptionist was very annoying. I explained to her that it didn't show up on my calendar and I didn't receive a call from them. She told me they have it on record that they called me and I confirmed. Um, no. I think I would remember speaking with you! She then (somewhat snootily/snottily?) said, "well, those calls are just a COURTESY, anyway." I'm sorry, but isn't it part of your job to make those calls? Don't you get paid to do that since you are doing it during your work hours? I know, I know, I probably sound like a bitch, but their office kind of annoys me in general.

I re-scheduled my appointment. I don't know if they are going to charge me for missing it.

Last week, I had a weird night of lows. I was high at bedtime and corrected...and then ran low all night. I swear I woke up every hour and ignored the vibrating and beeping of my sensor half the time. Even with a glucose tab here and there, I kept waking up low.

And then today...my meter failed me. I did a bit of SWAGing for a bagel sandwich, and before lunch, I was 118...but still 1 unit of insulin on board, so I decided to eat a little lunch before bolusing. My sensor showed me as climbing, so going off my sensor, I kept bolusing. Is that what a rage bolus is, btw? So about 3 hours later, I feel sort of off. Meter displays a 110 and 1.5 units of insulin on board. I panic. Trusting my meter and wanting to avoid a low, I chug back some mocha mix drink and glucose tabs. Then I start to worry that I overcorrected...so I check back in 15 min and I'm in the 230s. Hmmm, that doesn't seem right. I re-test because this situation has happened before. I'm low or trying to ward off a low, I test and show a high #, so I re-test and am actually still low...my meter is just off for whatever reason.

So I re-test and same...in the mid 200s and my sensor shows me shooting up. Uh-oh. Shit. Shit. Shit. Annoyed, I now bolus like crazy to get it down. Half an hour later and I'm at 300 something. My meter was WRONG...I didn't need all that extra sugar. I hate when technology fails me.

And I remain high all night because my sensor showed me dropping and stabilizing, so I didn't bolus as much when I finally ate dinner. But, that was a mistake because then IT decided to be off. This is why I don't usually bolus based off my sensor, but I thought I was feeling better and not still in the 300s. It's not much better now though...2 hours ago I was 267 and after a correction, I'm at 217 now.

See? No stability! And along with the up blood sugar comes the down emotions. I hate being high for hours, laying weak on the couch and feeling like destruction is being done to my body.

SO mad... diabetes alert dog update

I'm SO mad, I can barely type...let me start at the beginning.

Two months ago, I decided to apply for a diabetes alert dog. There was an article in the Oregonian that prompted me, so I signed up...plus, I love dogs and don't have one of my own. The dog in my picture is my brother's dog, and while I do live with a dog (my roommate's dog), it's not my own.

I'm not sure if I should mention the company's name.

I know the dogs are in high demand, but they were training dogs for limited locations, and Oregon was one of them. Plus the dogs only cost $150. They said that it can take up to a year and they require you to go through part of the training with the dog they select for you, but that doesn't guarantee you a dog. Plus, they don't even reply when you apply for one...because they're in demand, you might not even get a response for several months. I think that when you apply for something like a dog, you SHOULD at least get a response that says we received your application, just so you know it went through.

So TODAY, I decided to randomly check the site. And. I notice. It says they are currently only placing dogs in northern and central CA. When I applied, it did not say this. Confused, I emailed them to see what was going on.

I got this response:

Valerie:

We appreciate your interest in XXX. Over the past months we have reviewed and made changes to our training program in order to continue providing the high quality assistance dogs that our clients deserve.

We realize the effect an assistance dog can have on managing diabetes and we know the need is great The value our program results from the high standards we set, both in training our dogs as well as diabetic clients.

A decision has been made to focus our services on those living in the Northern and upper Central California areas and to discontinue our two week program.

Client feedback and data assessment indicate that the most successful partnerships are created when clients attend weekly training sessions over an extended period, and attend monthly follow-up sessions. We will continue to assess our program and hope to offer other training options in the future that will once again extend our service area to Oregon.

We regret we cannot serve you at this time. Please periodically check in with us on our website. While we do not have a specific recommendation for another program, you can check the website for Assistance Dogs International (www.assistancedogsinternational.org) to see if they are able to identify an accredited service in Oregon.

Best Wishes,

XXX

WTF. They decided to change things and not NOTIFY anyone? What about all the people in Oregon and other states who applied? I never received any kind of notification about the change, and if I hadn't randomly checked their website, I would have continued waiting. I emailed them back and told them this...that I was extremely disappointed and that if I had known, I would have searched other places for an alert dog. I don't think it's fair that they didn't at LEAST notify people in Oregon and other states...and I'm sad thinking that some of those people might still be waiting for a response because they're not aware of this random change in their program.

sensitive sugar, Seattle and a sore sensor site

Like that alliteration? :)

Last week, I noticed (or was reminded of) that my blood sugar is SO sensitive to exercise. That may be because I went from a workout fiend to...a person who rarely works out. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but at some point--between working later and feeling dizzy during my workouts--I started going to the gym less. I started getting frustrated that my blood sugar would drop so fast, so often. I got annoyed with having to cut my workout short or needing to stop and take a juice break. And then it just became a habit! Instead of figuring out my blood sugar so that I could work out, I just went straight home from work, made dinner, and relaxed. But, I know I feel so much better when I workout, and when I do, my blood sugar drops sooo quickly. Even just doing a 20-25 minute Jillian Michaels video made a huge difference. Not just for the day, but for the next day, too. I had to change my insulin ratio back to what it used to be when I worked out every day--1:15. On the 3rd day, I had to change my ratio back to what it is currently--1:12. This just shows me I need to workout more. And I need to work harder at figuring out my blood sugar for my workouts. I used to be good at it once upon a time.

Over the weekend, I went to visit some of my favorite people in Seattle! I love Portland, but sometimes I think about moving to Seattle. Two of my best friends from college live there--one actually just got done with grad school and moved back last month, so I was extra eager to see her. She was my roommate all 4 years of college AND we still call each other roommates. It was just us 2 for the first 2 years, then we acquired a 3rd roommate our junior year, and then a 4th senior year. My other Seattle friend, Laura, never lived with us, but we always lived close to each other and considered her our roommie, anyway. I always seem to luck out with roommates! Even now, after college.

So my boyfriend and I made the drive up to visit them, and we had so much fun. It was a short trip, but I plan on seeing them more frequently! The WEIRDEST thing happened when I was there, though I'm pretty sure I know what happened. My friend and her bf have 2 adorable, but semi-crazy cats. Well, my pump kept beeping because I was falling low. Every time, I woke up, I fished around for the wire and pulled my pump up to see what was going on. Until...I reached down and didn't feel the wire. I decided to start from the site--aha, there it is. Started trailing up the wire until my hand stopped--because there was NO wire. It was broken, cut, split off. I was so alarmed, that I shot straight up out of bed and looked for my pump. It was off to the side of my mattress (we were on the floor) with the rest of the wire attached. One of the cats had CHEWED the wire until it split! The weird thing is I wake up really easily and the wire didn't LOOK chewed. But that's the only explanation! My friend was a little shocked, but I told her it was no big deal and I had brought extra supplies so I just changed it out.

When I got home, I had to switch out my sensor and decided to try...the side butt spot. I usually go for the stomach region, but I wanted a change...and I've heard that people get good readings near the butt. But, I can only reach so far, and I don't want it to hit the toilet when I sit down. I don't know why that weirds me out (especially since it's covered by tape!), but it does. So I put it in a spot that's more like the side of my thigh. The only downside is that eventually it started pinching and getting a little tender. If I move my leg a certain way or my purse bumps against it, it huuuuurts. BUT, my sensor has been pretty terrific, and I don't want to give up a good spot just because it pinches every now and then. Gotta ride these sensors out!

A few pictures from over the years...including one from pre-D!

The 4 roommates senior year

Audrey, Me, Laura--freshman year (2003)

A & L visiting me in Portland (2007)

In Portland for my 25th birthday (2009)

Visiting them in Seattle (2011)

Understanding what it means

I understand that diabetes is a complicated disease to process for those who don't have it or manage it on a daily basis. I try not to overwhelm people with information when they ask questions. I try not to make it too complicated. But every time--it is. There is nothing "simple

about it.

I haven't been feeling so hot this week and every Wed., I'm in a meeting where we go over the layout of the ad. One of the ladies who has that sweet, nurturing, protective-bear Momma thing going on asked me if I was OK. Clearly, I wasn't looking so hot either!

Apparently it looked like I was going to pass out...no, my blood sugar wasn't low (I checked). I then told them I would try not to pass out on them!

This then launched into questions about diabetes, which I was totally okay with. I appreciate when people WANT to understand. I can tell the people in my Wednesday meetings want to get it. So they started asking me about low blood sugar and what makes one go low. I rattled off the usual...too much insulin, exercise can make you drop, so can drinking so you have to be careful...etc. Of course buyers kept walking in for their turn, so it got a little awkward for them to come into the middle of what sounded like a medical conversation. The lady who came in on the last part about low blood sugar and alcohol said something like, "Well MY blood sugar must be low all the time then!" Ha ha ha ha. I didn't want to explain to her that I am type 1.

Then they asked what they should do if I ever do get too low and pass out during the meeting? I told them someone should call 911, and then someone should try to give me sugar. I got a little uncomfortable during this part...no one likes to think about this happening! The designer asked how would they do that and I said that your mouth/gums absorb the sugar, so probably the best is sugar packets instead of candy or juice since I could choke (am I wrong? If so, someone please inform me!). I also told them I have a glucagon pen upstairs in my cube, but they would have to read the instructions.

It was all very sweet. I could tell they wanted to feel prepared for such an emergency. And I love that they want to help. I did reassure them that I haven't passed out so far, and I always carry glucose tabs with me so that I have some fast-acting sugar on hand at all times. Of course then another buyer came in while we were discussing this, but no one else told them what was going on, which again I appreciated. But since they are nice and seemed curious, I explained to them that I am a type 1 diabetic and we were just going over what to do in case of a low blood sugar.

The Momma-bear of the group said it was good for her/them to know, so I'm glad they feel like maybe they will be better equipped or more mentally ready for that kind of situation. Of course I'm hoping it NEVER happens! I also told them my signs of going low--shaky, sweaty, can't think straight, etc. At that time I was actually sweaty and shaky, so that was when I checked my sugar and it was at a good number. That's the thing I hate--if I'm sick or something is just off with me, I immediately think it's related to diabetes. I can't help it!

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't want anyone to help me. I wanted to be able to do everything on my own. Eventually, my friends, family and other people told me they wanted to help...they wanted to know things about diabetes and how it affected me. They have been understanding and I appreciate that so much because it makes it easier on me.

Truthfully, I sometimes feel bad when people ask me to lunch and I say, "I have a high blood sugar right now, so I might wait at least 30 min or an hour to eat if you want to wait...if not, no big deal." And I feel bad when I'm visiting my friends in Seattle and we're walking around downtown for a while until I finally say, "Uhhh, I think I need to check my blood sugar." And then they stop with me as I check and say, "Why didn't you SAY something sooner?!" And then they make me eat or drink something. There is no judgment--only concern. I don't feel like a burden or like a "sick person." There is no making me feel bad because I have to do things a little bit differently than they do.

So I understand that not everyone gets it or wants to get it--you can't understand it fully until you live it 24/7 and are impacted emotionally, physically, and psychologically by it. But the people who ask questions, who want to get it, who I can see trying to process it and who want to help...I love you all the more for it!

I almost feel bad

I just received a customer response comment from the company I mentioned in my last post...and for whatever reason--maybe it's because I'm a nice person and feel bad when I complain--I felt a little bad. For the record, I have had excellent customer service from them in the past...it's just these last few months that I've been a little frustrated over my shipment. I guess it makes sense that they found my post and commented on it...I'm guessing part of their customer service duties is to scour the Internet for any mention of their name. And I don't think I'm an unreasonable customer, so I don't think I should feel bad about it.

They left me a name and number to contact, so I'll do that, but honestly I may just switch over to Medtronic because of faster shipping. I don't even blame the company I use for that since they're based in Florida, and clearly it's going to take a little longer to travel to Oregon. But if Medtronic can ship it faster, then I may switch over just for that benefit.

I know my blog isn't private, but it's always a little surprise when you realize that people do, in fact, read your words!

One of these is not like the other

Picture is blurry, but you can see that these are test strips. One is blue. The other is black. This is my garbage basket full of peanuts from my shipment of sensors.

I was cleaning up my room a bit and of course, there are several test strips on my bed and on the floor. I start tossing them, until I look down at the floor and see a black test strip. My test strips are blue--I've never used a black test strip...never even knew that One Touch strips came in different colors. Confused, I picked it up and looked at it--this was definitely not one of mine. This is really weirding me out at the moment. I don't know where it came from. Maybe I carried it in on the bottom of one of my shoes? That's the only explanation I can think of, anyway. But it's really tripping me out to see a test strip on my floor that did not come from my own supply!

Disappointment

I don't want to seem like I complain a lot--I really don't! But, it's easy to talk about the "bad" instead of the "good," especially when venting. And that's what blogs are for, right?

So I'll mention the "good" first. I'm grateful to feel my lows. I really am. I know there are many out there who don't feel their lows until they're in the 40s or lower, and I know there are many who don't feel them at ALL and just happen to catch them by chance. I've also heard your sensitivity to lows can decrease the longer you have D--not sure if that's true or not. Sure, there have been a few times in my D life that I've been on the low side and thought, strange, I feel completely fine! But, most of the time, I feel my lows, and I'm especially glad I feel them while I am asleep.

I usually wake up 2-3 times a night, sometimes more, and that's without my pump & sensor vibrating and beeping. Last night, I woke up around 2:30...nothing out of the ordinary for me. Check my sensor and it says 100. Good, all is well, so I close my eyes, ready to fall back to sleep. No...something is wrong. I feel a little off. I feel weak. So I test and my meter says 62. Only then do I notice the sweat piling up. Also, I'm really hungry and want food, not glucose tabs. I had maybe half of an Odwalla bar in my purse, so I eat it and lay back down, trying to be patient and let my blood sugar rise. Now I'm really noticing the shakiness and the weakness and the sweatiness. It's hard to be patient, but I know it's not going to do me any good unless I wait at least 10 min. Check again: 144. Whaaa? No way can it come up that fast from a bar, plus I still feel sweaty and shaky. Re-check: 70. I'm glad I can trust my instincts! 70 isn't good enough, so I grab a glucose tab and wait until the shakes and sweats disappear. And my boyfriend managed to stay awake until I felt better (I woke him up).

I'm not sure why I went low... I was a little high at bedtime and corrected, but I also worked out that evening and my body is SO sensitive to exercise. Or maybe it's sensitive because I haven't worked out in months! My roommate bought the Jillian Michaels 30-day Shred video and we did level 1 right before seeing the final Harry Potter movie. I really recommend that video if you want a good workout and don't have time for the gym. Serious, my legs were weak by the time I was done! And also, my blood sugar dropped from 160 to 118 within TEN minutes and I needed to chug some juice in order to keep going. I really think exercising plus not eating a substantial dinner is what caused my low.

#1 disappointment: My sensor is SUPPOSED to catch my lows. That's one of its sole purposes. My sensor has very often said I'm going low as my blood sugar drops through the night when in fact, I am not actually low. So I'm somewhat upset it didn't catch this low. It said I was 100 (no arrows) and I was actually 62.

2nd "good" part. I'm glad I have access to D supplies. I'm glad I have insurance and that it doesn't cost me too much to have the supplies that keep me alive and thriving. I'm lucky and I know that.

Now for the 2nd disappointment of the day! I cannot remember why I don't use Medtronic for my D supplies. I get all my supplies (minus my sensors) from a company called CCS Medical. I've had a great experience with them until recently--they don't seem to understand that I want EXACTLY what my prescription says. I don't care that I have "enough" to "get me by."

My prescription was updated by my endo (since she forgot to update it this year and I was having a problem with not getting enough test strips) and so I was confused when I got my recent shipment and only 5 boxes were inside. There should be 6. I figured it was just a simple misread of my updated prescription, so I called CCS this morning to get it straightened out. I explained to the guy what was going on and he asked if I had enough to get me to the next shipment. I said yes, but I should know by now to just say no. So he went over my next order and said they'd send me 6 the next time. I said okay great, but can I please get my other box for this last shipment? He said, well you have enough to get you through. Well, I know, but I like to have extra, just in case. Plus, my prescription from my endo is for SIX boxes, so I'd like to get my full amount. He said he understood and that he would send out another box.

I don't understand why it's been such a struggle lately to get my full amount of supplies, especially when I used to get 19 total for 3 months. I don't think they understand that as a customer, I am entitled to get what my prescription allows for. And I'm really close to telling them I am done with them and switching over to Medtronic for everything. Plus, Medtronic is faster with their shipments and that alone is reason enough for me to switch.

Customer service is really what makes or breaks your relationship with a company or organization. I don't want it to be a struggle. I don't want to keep explaining to them why I want and need all my test strips. And I don't think I should have to.

I love Medtronic

I really do--and no one made me say that! I'm talking about their customer service (not the pump). Though I will say I like my pump a lot as far as insulin pumps go, but I can't actually claim that it's the best because I haven't tried any others.

Medtronic's customer service is AWESOME. I've never had a bad moment with them and they are always so quick to respond and deliver--I love it!

Last Friday, I had 2 fails. First, my sensor does NOT seem to last more than 6 days. I don't know what it is, but after I re-start it on the 7th day (the Medtronic sensor times out on its own every 3 days), it just goes wonky. And by wonky, I mean one minute it will say 109 with 2 arrows down and the next reading will say 240 with 2 arrows up. A little unnerving. That's usually when I know it's time to change it because if I wait all day for it to "right" itself, it never happens. Eventually it will just lose the sensor and refuse to be renewed. I gave it the benefit of the doubt last Thursday and didn't change it...until finally it said, "change sensor." Of course it was in the middle of the night and I was not at my house, so I couldn't switch it out.

The next morning, I tried to test my blood sugar...my meter counted down like usual, and after 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, I got a "WARNING. CHANGE BATTERY." Um, what?! Thanks for wasting my test strip, meter. So I take out the strip, turn it on...it will turn on and perform functions, but it will NOT let me test my blood. I swear I've gotten this warning before and it still lets me test--that's why it's called a warning! It's warning you of the battery being low...and if it's able to turn on, I don't see why it won't let me test. I pulled an old trick I use on the remotes and switched the batteries to their opposite sides. It doesn't work... The meter is too smart for that.

I checked my purse...no extra battery. No access to my supplies since I'm not home yet. And I didn't want to drive without testing first. I felt fine, but didn't want to chance it. And I've found that if I worry about going low while driving, chances are my brain will trick myself into thinking I am low. I took the battery out of my pump and put it in the meter....test...97. Put it back in the pump and headed to my car, only to get the beep of "failed battery test" from my pump.

I drove home, grabbed my stash of batteries and replaced both in the meter and the one in my pump. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, and it's not, but I just don't want to deal with this sometimes, ya know? So one problem was fixed...now I just needed a new sensor.

I had called Medtronic the day before to order new sensors. One nice thing is you can order supplies yourself, so it's pretty easy to just get what you want. But the automated response told me they wouldn't ship for 2 weeks so I talked to someone and she ensured me they'd ship out Friday and be at my house Monday. Awesome. I have 2 sensors left so shouldn't be a problem. Also, I was happy with the fact that I got my last shipment in November, which means I managed to make my 3-month supply last about 8 months (I think I took a month off though at one point).

So, I prepped my skin and tried to insert the needle...something weird happened and the needle didn't go in all the way. I don't know if the inserter got stuck or I wasn't placing it right, but the needle only went in half way. I stared at it for a second before deciding to pull it out and toss it. Ok, no problem, I still had one left. I prepped, inserted...and the SAME thing happened. Hmmm. This time I decided to just manually push in the needle until the tape sticks. So I did and it looked ok, but my pump did not find the sensor after many, many attempts.

I always feel a little lost without my sensor working, but it's kind of nice to get a break from it too. But much to my surprise, my sensors DID get here today and once again, Medtronic came through for me. Hopefully I've learned my lesson--make sure you always have at least one extra battery on hand...and don't wait until the last minute to order supplies--even when you think you should be set!