one negative thought can lead to another

Last weekend, we celebrated my mom's bday with a family BBQ at my brother & sister-in-law's place. Even though I have moments where diabetes escapes my mind for a while, it is never gone for long. It is so present, so demanding. It affects my way of thinking. It pushes other thoughts out of my head, demanding that I only think about IT. And sometimes, it's hard to not let it take control. But it does and it overpowers me, leaving me with negative thoughts. Leaving me feeling annoyed, jealous and angry at the unfairness of it all.

What were these moments that made me go to the dark place?

Playing with my nephew. My nephew is 18 months. He is happy. He is adorable. And he's busy! He's at that stage where he doesn't really want to be picked up and held anymore--he wants to be down on the ground, walking quickly and exploring. I learned this very quickly as I chased after him. He is persistent. Enter diabetes-related thoughts...man, I'm already exhausted! How am I ever going to have a baby? What if I'm having a low while my busy toddler is running around? How will I manage?

Cut to us eating our delicious grilled hamburgers. Inner monologue again...Well, I never eat a burger so I'm going to enjoy this. In fact, I can't remember the last burger I had--all I eat are veggie burgers or salmon burgers. I will just SWAG this and correct later if need be.

Hour later...dessert. More monologue. Well, when is the last time you had cake? And it's gluten-free, so that's good. I will just have a few bites of cake. Oh, and some ice cream. Everyone else is eating dessert--I want to eat dessert too. I'll just guess at the carbs. Look at everyone eating their cake and ice cream. THEY don't have to worry about everything they just ate. They're not even THINKING about the food and the havoc it'll wreak on their blood sugars. They're so lucky. How did I wind up with type 1? It's not fair. I want my freedom back.

As I watch my brother let my nephew have a couple small pieces of the chocolate cake part...they're so lucky not having to figure out how much insulin he needs. Yes, he's busy, but he's not a busy baby with type 1. (This is where my mind flashes to the D-Mom blogs...how do they do it?)

Afterwards...I am stuffed. Sensor is showing me around 200 which isn't bad. But then there's the fat...oh, the fat. This is what keeps me high for hours. And I feel sort of shitty for having consumed things I don't normally eat. Yes, it seems worth it at the time, but later it never seems worth it, especially when I wonder how long it will take for my blood sugar to FINALLY come down. When it does, I'm relieved and I can go to sleep. Until the next day...